Control Control Control

Well, after the past two days this is what I feel like,

snack-barbieI haven’t eaten any fruit since Sunday and I have been eating muffins, milk and porridge-like cereal. I am not myself I am SO hungry, this isn’t greed all but I genuinely have been feeling dizzy accompanied by excruciating headaches, it’s tough even looking at my laptop and doing my assignments or what not. The only thing that is keeping me from collapsing is eating and I hate it because I am a machine goddammit! I can eat apples, vegetables and coke zero only for days and not feel fatigued but I guess my body just wants nourishment… it’s starving and tired.

Tomorrow I am putting an end to this madness, back to the plan… back to restriction. Eating in itself in a massive trigger, it leads to bingeing then purging and the mean cycle will be completed, I’d rather deny myself any food and avoid the trigger but there has to be a way to break that eats normal meal–oh no, might as well binge–actually binges link. I guess it all comes down to control control control, which is something I don’t have at least not consistently anyway. The control comes in waves, tomorrow and the day after I might have it and then lose it the day after.

 

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I feel sick

Physically I am fine there is nothing wrong with me, I am fine. I found out just an hour ago that the mother of the two brothers who live a couple of houses down the street from us has passed away. These guys are not just people who live in my neighborhood, they come over to our house and we watch football with these guys especially the big matches, I cannot go as far as saying they are my friends because they are not but when I bump into either of them in the street we always exchange friendly football banter. They are just people I know on the surface I don’t know their struggles and they don’t know mine but the mother’s death has pained me.

I have never met their mother who just passed, I have never seen her face but I know that she is a woman who left two grandchildren behind and those grandchildren will never know their grandma. The circumstances surrounding her death are both angering and confusing. Her kidneys were failing but there was hope, she was getting dialysis and somehow during all the medical procedures that had to be done on her the doctors severed a major artery which caused her to lose a lot of blood, she was able to get discharged and go home but by then she was very sick, frail and never recovered. How can doctors mess up that bad? It’s 2014 and doctors still make these fatal blunders.

I have never met her before and I don’t know why I am this upset. I am thinking about this one time when my mum and I were talking I don’t know how we ended up on that subject but she said to me “when I die don’t spend forever mourning me, just accept that such is life and instead be appreciative of all this time we have had because many people never got to spend that amount of time with their loved ones”– my mum knows about the fear I have that she might die someday and leave me all alone, ever since I was a child I have always had this fear. I would lay awake at night and torture myself with that fear and then I would cry myself to sleep.

When I heard the news of this woman’s passing the clock in the living room started to click louder and louder and I felt like I was running out of time, I can’t explain but I went into a state of panic. I feel nauseous now and my head is aching. I can’t even begin to imagine what that woman’s family is going through. Death is so cruel.

Discontent

So I suppose God had something he had to communicate with me today.

I battle with a lot of discontent with everything in my life and it leaves me in misery. There are days when I feel okay, I walk around the house, I study, feed the dogs, run errands etc and by mid-week I get so tired mentally and then that mental tiredness translates into physical exhaustion. Everyday tedium is dizzying and inescapable. There isn’t a lot that motivates me in life, I do things because I want to prove a point or because I feel forced, I force myself nobody does. Sometimes I feel as though being a “self-machine” is both a blessing and a curse

This year has been worse than the previous years, I have no drive. What used to drive me like my uni work doesn’t anymore, it’s done it’s over… I graduated, In hindsight I now realise that the reason I chose to study further is because I was seeking that familiar drive, that hunger for distinctions because at the end of the day academic stuff is what I do best. I am not artistic nor do I have other talents. It’s no longer the same, I have no motivation, there is overwhelming feeling of disgruntlement that pushes me to the ground because I thought getting my undergrad would change everything… it didn’t. Now I am pursuing something academic wise and unlike a year ago I know what is end the end of the line, there is no job waiting for me, the feeling of loss will exacerbate, I am changed but not in the ways that I desire.. instead I am just angry and awaiting a miracle.

Anyway today I was in the car with my mum on the other side of town, we were at an intersection and this woman was selling stuff to motorist on the road. There was something different about her and the closer I looked I saw that she had only one hand. Here I was in the comfort of a car while this woman was out there in the terrible heat selling mints, water and football flags and she had one hand. I thought to myself “how could I” how could I be so ungrateful given everything that I have, it’s not much but someone out there would give anything to be in my shoes. It’s funny how life works there is someone who wants what I have, I myself am someone who wants what someone else has and so on and so forth,the discontent within ourselves as humans is enending.

I wish my discontent was healthy but it’s not, it gnaws away at me always, it makes me physically ill. I don’t want everything, I don’t want the whole wide world.. I am not some idealist person who wants it all. I just want something… something to hold on to and something that will give me purpose. At some point you get weary of being starved of reason.

God today showed reminded me that I am blessed, I am not standing at an intersection selling snacks for my livelihood, I am sitting on a sofa drinking flavoured water and blogging about my feelings, I know some have it worse, I have seen it with my own eyes, I keep seeing it but that knowledge alone isn’t enough to make me feel content and magically discover a new-found appreciation for  life and all that it has dished up for me

It’s also funny how when we want to convince ourselves that our lives have meaning and are not so bad, we compare ourselves to someone in a far worse position why not someone who is in a similar position? because it won’t have any impact. You shouldn’t have to compare yourself with a disabled person to make yourself feel better or content with your life.

It sickens to admit this but sometimes other people’s misfortunes nourish me, not in way where I am rejoicing but in way that makes me feel better about my life. If someone I know fails their exam of course I feel for them but I also feel better about whatever is going on in my life because in that moment I am “better off”. I have to be a step ahead of everyone or I’ll feel like the world is ending. I have to be the smartest one in my family, I breath a sigh of relief when a cousin fails an exam or gets pregnant.. why? because at least I’ll still be a few steps ahead though we’re not walking in the same path I am still “winning”  I suppose that’s where my inferiority complex comes to the party. I live in fear that maybe karma will come back ’round and burn me for all these feelings that I harbour if it hasn’t already. If I am indeed “winning” then why do I feel nothing.

Sifting through the rubble

I don’t know what made me think of this old email address of mine that is linked to all the dating websites I am on, yes dating websites. It’s not something I take seriously and sometimes I genuinely forget about these sites but days on when I am bored I login and have look-see, granted I have to recover the passwords because I always forget.

I have been at it for a few hours now and my god I cannot find someone I am attracted to or even with the same interests as me, It’s like sifting through piles and piles rubble and trying to look for a gem underneath there. I stumbled on this profile and I literally almost died because this guy liked the same music as me and he was so attractive so this voice inside of me kept saying “you have to message him, don’t let him get away” another voice was saying “close the tab close the tab, what are you even thinking of doing”- I listened to the first voice and I messaged him with something really silly I am now kicking myself, I said “hello *waves* I see you like Nirvana what an epic band” hahah yeah some ice breaker that was.

I am really excited to see if I get a response. You hear these stories of people who met online and how they have been together ever since etc etc and I don’t know I just thought why not go for it, that’s the best thing about this whole online thing, all that anxiety is not an issue.. well up to a certain extent it’s not as though the person is sitting next to you and you’re choking because you don’t know what to say, you’re behind a computer screen you feel at ease and when you hit it off you meet up in a of course then who knows what can happen. This whole conventional way of meeting someone has proven to be a myth for me so therefore dating sites it is. It’s still quite amusing at this stage, I’m not really emotionally invested in the process and I am not refreshing my dating page every 5 minutes to see if anyone has replied or who viewed my page.

I don’t even know what brought me here to be honest, why the sudden urge to start dating but I guess it’s something that I genuinely feel I want not because I am single and should or must… I want to. I think I am ready. I want that feeling of being in love with someone, I have never been in love before heck I have never even had a boyfriend before (I want to cover my face every time I make this confession) yes I have been infatuated with long-haired guys who are into metal and wear black nail polish (always that type) but it’s always me admiring them from afar and that’s it.

“Everybody, everybody just want to fall in love” – Metric – Sick Muse… well that is true, though some of us may try to deny it because we think we cannot be loved and cannot love because of past childhood trauma because that’s where it always comes back to which at the end of the day is something you just have to get the hell over.  Every time I picture myself in a relationship I picture my dad bashing my mum, I picture myself in the same situation… history repeating itself, there is no reason why those images should even exist in the same mindset but they do, it’s irrational fear I know but I can’t seem to shake the images off and neither can I obliterate the memories from my head, the more I try to forget the more angrier I get and the more I remember some more. I suppose it will take a while to heal but I am beginning to become less and less anti-male so to speak, there are good guys out there just gotta sift through the rubble.

Clenched fist

Sometimes all you can do is to clench your fist, I am so hurt and angry by the massive fight my dad and I had, I told him straight up that I was sick of him and he went on to say a lot of vile things and the worst part is that he just attacked me from nowhere, purposely picked a fight with me, god I hate that man. I’ve been avoiding him. Anyway Since Sunday I’ve been feeling extremely weak and dizzy. I have been eating normally well okay trying to. I am taking milk in my coffee and I think that’s an improvement, I have also been drinking those packet cappuccinos with about 90 calories per cup I think that’s kinda okay. A month ago there is no way I would have done this, I drink one every other day.

Yesterday I went into town, I wore my new rocker chick t-shirt, jeans and converses and I felt amazing, I just felt like I was securely and comfortably in my own skin. I even took plenty of selfies before I headed out.

2 hours later in town I felt this wave of dizziness, I actually leaned on some car otherwise I would have fallen. I then went into the dodgy eatery, threw myself on the chair.. head on lap. I then decided to get an energy drink so I walked up to the counter to get one and the cashier took what seemed like a long time to ring up my drink by this time I felt like I was going to collapse right there. I downed that drink so fast and bam! Intense stomach ache. Everyone was looking at me I felt so humiliated, I just wanted someone to come and carry me and take me home. 30 minutes later I felt strong enough to walk and as I was walking out all eyes were on me but I didn’t care all I wanted was to board my bus back home.

Today I feel better, still dizzy as hell but not anything like yesterday. I’m still struggling with bulimia but I am getting better. I decided that instead of aiming to completely recover I’ll just do what I can right now and if I binge no purging or fasting the next day come what may, pressuring myself into this miraculous overnight cure definitely won’t work. I have this new appreciation for life due to recent events. I hope my mindset stays this way. I have to recover from my EDs because I want to live and the longer I have it the more I am damaging my chances of having children one day, I can only cross my fingers real tight and hope that the damage hasn’t already been done because that would kill me.

Being a good person

Being the bigger person only gets you pissed off, some people like to hold on to
grudges about trivial things. I swallowed my pride today and it was all for nothing. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. Trying to reason with some people is like trying to draw blood from a stone.

I am furious, I am burning in my rage so much so I feel like crying not from hurt but from sheer anger.

I can’t concentrate on anything except my anger, I need to throw it away somewhere, it’s rather consuming.

How can someone tell you that you’ll be glad if they die, it hurt me for them to say that because that’s the kind of person they think I am? I am a good person, I do good things, I am reliable so why am I being hated so much. Maybe I should tuck away all my kindness and loyalty and just be a self prick, do only things that benefit me because people suck. The way they just turn against you after everything you’ve done for them. I stood by this person’s side even picked sides and lost out in the process it didn’t matter because I was being a good person. Now I have nothing to show for it, instead I have a lump in my throat… You know the one you get when you’re extremely angry, it’s been there for days.

I did nothing wrong

My mum and I still aren’t talking since last night and I feel so empty because of it. I just want to cry, I miss her. When she came home from work I said hie to her and she didn’t answer then I said hie again and she answered reluctantly under her breath, that shattered and angered me at the same time. I tried to start the process of us speaking again and she just shot me down

My emotions right now are a mixture of frustration, anger, hurt and loneliness. She didn’t call me during the day, she always always calls to check up on me. In a way though I knew there was a possibility she wouldn’t call I wouldn’t have minded if she called me to yell at me or something. Maybe she’s grown weary of having a daughter like me, I’m probably a mother’s worst nightmare. No matter how much a mother loves their child I guess they reach some point where they can’t take anymore or maybe she just needs a time out, I don’t know.

I can’t say sorry, sorry for what? For hysterically crying when I tried on an outfit and felt fat then she got angry at me because of that plus other plenty of similar incidences, should I say sorry for not feeling comfortable in my skin? Should I.say sorry I have an eating disorder? say sorry for feeling so hopeless about my future?

I feel terrible for not being the daughter she deserves, she is the most amazing mother anyone could ask for. I feel like I am carrying two loads now that of my eating disorders and emotional and that of my guilt for “doing this to her”

She takes my eating disorders and she makes it her problem and I’m left worrying about how I am burdening her, but this is happening to me, I’m the one shoving my fingers down my throat, I’m the one not eating. I just wish she could separate herself from this and see that this is about me and my problems and stop making it about her. I am not doing anything to her, of course I’m the one making her stress but this is NOT about her.

I heard her praying last night and tonight, she hasn’t done the whole praying loudly thing lately and I just felt myself sink, I don’t know why I just did.

She went to bed early tonight, when we were in the living room she only spoke to my brother and carefully remembered to not acknowledge me, I returned the favour.

I pray tomorrow will be different, I can’t swallow my pride for shit but this is my mum even though I did nothing wrong I’m going to speak to her first, no apology because I didn’t do anything wrong. I guess we needed this fight to take some time out and just start afresh I guess, who knows. I hope she doesn’t ignore me.