Insensitive

I met up with my friend today so we could go to a casting. I was wearing layers and layers of clothing and the moment she saw me she called me fat, she said I had gained weight. Her exact words were “omg why are you fat now”. WTF. In all fairness she didn’t say it with malice… I think, she knows nothing about my eating disorder but honestly that was a very shitty thing to say. I just laughed it off and said Noooooooo and pretended to be Unbothered but since she uttered those words I’ve been feeling awful and resentful.

I came back home and weighed myself, my weight is still the same but it doesn’t change how disgustingly big I feel now. I measured myself frantically. I’m distracted and angry. I love my friend dearly we’ve been through worse lot together these past few months but right now I really dislike her and her barrage of snide comments.

I didn’t do well at the casting because my walk was atrocious, I suddenly began to feel my bits jiggling because of what was said to me. I got in a haze and that shred of self confidence I had flew away. I starved myself tonight, I’m better than that. I’m not 14, comments like that shouldn’t sway my decisions about eating food or not eating food thereof but here I am awake at 1:30 hungry, headache-y, angry, fat and just generally exhausted. I hate people sometimes

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Do Better

I thought a series watching fest with a few biscuits and a few winter chocolates in bed would be splendid but unfortunately I was wrong. I planned out my snack all week actually, I made a date with myself tonight so I could just let go for one night and made sure the portion was one that I could handle but it’s 2:32am now and I’ve been engaging in what I can describe as a dissected binge, eat 3 biscuits then purge and so on and so forth. I’m exhausted, ashamed and just want it to be dawn so tonight’s or rather this morning’s events can fade.

I used to have a cheat day where I could eat anything I wanted on that particular day but would then restrict for the next 6 days. I was good at it for a while.

Dozing off, I’ll do better, if not tomorrow then someday

Nights like this

There are nights when I feel like I might not make it through the night, not because of anything I might do purposely but I feel as though my body will just fail me as I sleep and that will be the end of me. The end of our story- my multiple eating disorders and I. Tonight is one of those nights, I am so afraid of dying and I regret everything. I want to crawl back into my mother’s womb and start again. I feel ashamed and remorseful. I can’t contain myself, my emotions. I’m in bed and I can’t stop crying, the left side of my chest hurts and all I want is to not be alone. I have suffered from eating disorders for half of my life but now something has changed, before there was something teeming inside of my veins, a fire that burned inside of me but now I feel dead and that fire though still present has been reduced to a tiny spark, I’m all out of ideas.

Looking up it’s heart wrenching to see just how far I’ve fallen off the mountain. I’m a mess, my blood pressure must be so low because of the constant purging and that’s not doing my heart/organs any favours. My bag of tricks of crush diets, restriction rituals and all that other nonsense has run out. I’m a liar, a burden, a problem that needs fixing, lovable but you’ll find yourself exhausted from caring about me.

Note to self

image

Please be brave

It’s almost midnight and I’m in my bed swallowing up food rising up my throat that my body is demanding to rid of, it is not used to retaining food. I could easily purge and take the easy steep road and come off this. Bravery, discipline and most importantly restraint is what is needed here. It’s so hard but I will not, I’m ill, my body is broken. Bit by bit my body is disintegrating, someone on here once wrote of engaging in the process of dying because you’re not actually dying there and then but you’re killing emotions. I have sharp pains in my abdomen region, my chest feels heavy and cold like I have cold air stuck in my chest. I feel dead, dead and fed. I’ll sleep, today’s battles have been fought or more accurately I’ve spent the day dodging bullets but I still came out wounded.

Mindless

My stomach is in pain, a deep pain that feels like my insides have been beaten and stomped on. Purging an average of 7 times per day is wrecking more havoc on my body, I can sense an oncoming final binge and purge that will change everything. An event or some fictitious happy ending that will be so life altering I’ll completely change my ways. On the other hand it feels like I’ve given up and I’m just drifting in whichever direction the wind is blowing.

I quit the part time promo job because it wasn’t serving any purpose in my life and instead it was draining me of funds I didn’t have because the pay was ridiculously low. I didn’t work there for long but I have lacked purpose for 2 weeks since quitting. It was better when I had somewhere to be which meant less time with ED, I worked nights in a tiny uniform in heels in the freezing cold,I got diagnosed with anorexia again and it’s not exactly easy to work when you’re shivering and having heart palpitations, my blood pressure is always dangerously low and with that comes a load of health issues and in the end I wasn’t physically strong enough. That’s done, water under the bridge. Another opportunity stolen by ED and perhaps my nature of always having excuses.

Messy

It’s actually hard to eat when someone is asking you endless questions “You are eating the whole portion right?” “Is it delicious” “Really” “So I should buy more of that” “What did you eat today” etc etc. It’s already hard enough eating AND eating in front of people, just please keep quiet and let me just eat. I hate feeling observed and inspected. Eating in front of people makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. I don’t know how to eat normally so I pace myself, 95% of the time I eat alone and it usually ends in a binge and purge. I don’t know any different.

Today was messy, haphazard snacking, a binge and purge some more snacking and purging… more snacking. I can smell vomit in my nose. I ate dinner, a delicious beef pie. It’s done, I will not be on my knees abusing myself…. not tonight.

Meal Dodging madness

6pm
Calm, is how I can describe today. I had a couple of coffees, fruit and a cookie. It’s almost 6pm, I should have eaten 2 meals by now but I can’t, don’t want to flip that switch in my brain. A yogurt is not just a yogurt it’s stepping on the accelerator and then the inevitable driving off the cliff. I avoided that by just not eating anything, so I’m safe, empty (the good kind).

My mum has placed an embargo on low fat/ sugar free food items- the horror of having to face full cream milk. I have to remind myself that I will survive not having aspartame filled beverages and that it’s OKAY to drink regular coke because people do drink that stuff and they’re not obese. Mum thinks I’m doing well-ish, yesterday I ate for show because she was home, she peeks into my plate, asks what I’m having, the subtle monitoring, I feel like a child.

On Saturday I went to a casting and that really derailed the “progress” I was making this past week, I was okay with skipping breakfast but having lunch at least… Celebrating small victories. Now I’m just not prepared to make that sacrifice. I can’t stop weighing and measuring myself, I want to stay the weight I was when I went to that casting on Saturday but at the same time I have to eat and be healthy, It’s fucked up! I have to stop this madness, I want life at the end of this nightmare.
I suppose modelling is not what I should be pursuing right now but if I quit my eating disorder wins and I’ll never know.

23:03
Ate an inadequate dinner of boiled veggies and meat then I panicked after eating yogurt, purged and now I’m a dehydrated,headache-y, ravenous mess. Mum is in the other room praying,I am so loved by her, my brother, my family, friends but I keep engaging in these sick and selfish behaviours that could kill me,unbearable guilt is eating me up inside. I am exhausted from all the lies.