These ties we cannot sever

There is air in my lungs still. I thought I would die but I didn’t. I crumbled. I crumble still. I ache and ache and wish for a sweeter breath. A more vivid tomorrow. I have been hopeful, full of despair, self destructive, fearful  and peaceful. I have been these things all in the same breath.

I have stopped searching for answers perhaps just truths. I am weary but steadfast. 

I am heartbroken and falling in love. I no longer shed tears for the thing that I wanted. I wanted him but it wasn’t meant to be. I tried. I lost myself, my faith, my self respect whilst on this frenzied mission to make him see my worth. My love was bloody, needy, sacrificial and intense. God I was too intense.

Its these ties, these bonds we cannot sever. I tried. The longest was 21 days and he crawled back. One of us always does. When we do, the reconnection is immediate, the excitement unbridled. He is on another continent but I can feel he is right here with me. What we have is cheap but profound. Paradoxical fuckery. He claims to still love me, those words have no effect on me now. However, he did make me cry by opening up the lid on closely shut memories from last year. I have never seen him talk like this before. He has never been this vulnerable. Why now?. It’s too late in the day.

The new man I have been seeing is a dream. He is the reason why I smile, he is the reason why I no longer wake up with this ominous feeling in my chest. He calmed it all, not by carefully managing my mental health, no. He did it by solely being present. He is  mannered and loyal. He is everything I have ever dreamt of. Despite all his charm & perfection. I am betraying him, day by day. Its these ties we cannot sever. I am a woman. I have these slutty tendencies.  I am slut. I can choke it down to my own insecurities and declare what I am engaging in isn’t legitimate cheating but I am a woman with a loving boyfriend and yet I cannot seem to cut ties with an old lover who is thousands of miles away but still I am in the wrong. 

I don’t love my former boyfriend anymore. I stopped when I realised he had nothing to offer me. He would never sacrifice nor does he want to. You see, I am also a fool but I am not in a fool in love anymore. I just can’t let go. I have attempted to ascertain why? Maybe the familiar is so sweet. I don’t know but I do know that I have well and truly fallen from grace.

It’s been a while 

​The day after tomorrow marks exactly 4 months since I made my big and permanent move to South Korea. I still can’t believe it. Sometimes when my eyes are closed, in bed or when I allow my mind to drift off for a few minutes I forget  I am here and I feel as though I  am back home for just a nanosecond and then I am reminded.

This new city is overwhelming, the immensity of it. The vibrancy. The isolation. I lived in a small town for 3 months when I first arrived I threw myself into the heart of it all. The belly of the beast. My former roommates made me feel like shit, they told me they were getting a place of their own and that I should think about finding somewhere else, I was left in a state of shock. How could they. I gave them a week’s notice, they treated me as the bad guy. I stuck to my guns and left.

My now boyfriend helped me look for another place to live and then  helped me move. We had known each other for only month then. There was just osomething about him from day 1, something about his spirit. On our first date, the most memorable day. He took me to various places, it felt like a dream. He is the old fashioned type, believes in taking a woman out to proper restaurants and he is no stranger to all those romantics gestures that a girl like me could only imagine only happens in those korean dramas. He is gentle in his speech, character and touch. Treats me like a princess and thinks of me in such high regard. He is simply amazing. It makes me cry when I think about just how good he is. We’ve been seeing each other for 2 and a half months. He talks about things in the long-term & that from a man was a foreign thing to me since my dickhead of an ex is the  complete opposite.

I am however, still entangled and in embarrassingly and pathetically in love with and addicted to my ex. I recently just cut all contact with him for the umpteenth time. He lied when we were in the process of rekindling things. He was talking to some girl he met online months ago but all the while feeding me lies. I wonder which one of us will crawl back first.

Nourishment 

My appetite is back somewhat, I really have been forcing myself to eat regardless. My weight gain is now so much more noticeable. A dress that used to hang over me is now body hugging and my hips and bum are now protruding in ways that make me realise that I am a woman and its okay to have these things.

My face looks healthy, an eye bag here and there but I look restored. Maybe all this is just the interim, suppose I am too in shock or anxious about what is to come and because of that I am finding it easier to abandon these habits. I break easily when purging and bingeing. Everything is magnified, I lose my senses and disappear in plain sight. I don’t want that. I don’t need that.

My Blue Supreme 

Present Day 


I spoke to him tonight, we are no longer together but somehow we still share things, at somes you cannot sever a bond, a link, a night time ritual.

He told me about his baggage limit and how it was ridiculous, I joked about how he had too much lagguage, for a man. He replied that well since he’s leaving forever , he kind of had to. It was all very relaxed chatter but I found my vision getting hazy, I lost my grip and felt what I can only describe as a wordless ache. I managed a few lols in the midst of this foggy yet vivid realisation that he really is out the door.

He informed of his departure dates (5 days from now ) and once again, I felt the freezing yet burning sensation under my skin. Sometimes I think I am over it, I have grown weary of  this emotion but every single time it finds new ways to strike me.

I was in denial. We used to say, we have 2 months left. Now, 5 days are left. He is leaving forever. I am so angry at the days for moving too swiftly, I am so angry he gets to leave whilst I remain in these burdens.

 I am on the wrong side of forever.

March And April

The days are running sleepless and fluid, bleeding into each other. We have established a routine, it feels amazing, I feel so awakened by this connection I am building with him. This oneness and uniqueness. I am part of something for two. It’s ours, him and I. I am impressed by the fight in him, to resolve matters. Our time together is limited, he however, handles everything with such persistence and care. I am shown… character.

The nights under stars and surrounded by Orange lights are still a staple, his warm breath.. My favourite. His boyish behaviour, munching on sweets and playing video games on his phone..I watch in pure unaldurated adoration. We talk, we laugh. We live.

Down the middle of March, things are starting to take a weird turn. These fetishes are coming into light, I am left with concerns. I am reassured time and time again but still somehow it’s not enough. I always end up right back there. Insecure, with reason. Uncertain. Dumbfounded. But mostly disrespected and not valued. I tell myself it will be fine, it’s a phase as long as we keep it in fantasy it will be fine but the more I entertain it the bigger and hungrier he gets. Pushing of the envelope. I can’t win,  all these compromises.

The fact that he is leaving is still looming my head. Every waking moment. I get these sensations under my skin whenever it is discussed… this burning freezing sensation in my hands and my neck. It’s instantaneous the moment he mentions the leaving. My stomach drops and twists, something profound catches and sits heavy on my throat. This is who I am now.

I cry in the middle of the night, I wake up from my slumber and remember what is to come. I vividly remember this one dark, cold rainy night, I woke up in and the emptiness in my chest was more chilling than it was outside. Unshakeable burden. In that very moment I climbed back into bed, he texted me out the blue as he could not sleep for some reason as well and I swear to God, I felt my being warm up and my soul began to beam. He is the provider of pain in the way the reality of his departure saddens me so, however he is the rearranger of my displaced fragments in the way his presence colours my world in hues I chose to bathe in.

It nevers stops. The anxiety. Him…. leaving. To this very day. I still get the sensations. I call them freezing mercury.

So far from home 

~4 April 2016

​I ran so far away from home, I ended up lost in plain view, the wilderness in my own tangled up thoughts that has become my world. This frenzied flee from all that is constant, the greatest search for something that I do not think I will ever find. 

I thought I could ride the wave but instead, I found myself engulfed by these gothic waters, I need to come up for air, I do not know how, I lack the resources and all I can see is white and deafening static. I cannot even begin to imagine how I ended up here. It’s like a switch flipped, a stone rolled off a precipitous cliff, the lip of that edge disintegrated and I fell into the gorge and the more I kept fighting myself, the bottom of these deptha were pulled from underneath me. 

He is pain, the guy I am in love with, the one who took my innocence. He is pain, he is tenderness, light and love. I have been cocooned in his sublime presence. He has these hazel eyes that glimmer in the daylight, they grow bigger when he talks passionately about a subject and I feel as though I am about to depart this life, sheer perfection. He possesses this tenderness in the way he moves and talks. A delicate man. He is mine.

All good things they come to an end. He is moving in a month. What I do, what will I become. I have stopped running, I am stagnant and ruined. All the goodness in me has been drained out, I am just like the rest. I feel like calling it quits, ending it, the thought of reaching the very end being abandoned sends me into an anxious, heartbroken, desperate hell hole, I can’t even begin to describe it.

 I ignored the large neon signs and trampled on them as I sprinted towards a hint of light only to get there to find nothing but the depletion of my own sanity. My body aches, chills and heat moves throughout my body, these maddening sensations, this hopelessness that brings me to my knees.

I do not know where to run now, I have nothing at my disposal.  The purging has lost all it’s glory because instead that euphoria that used to make me feel better as I kneeled to the porcelain God, now it makes me feel like death. A single purge and my vision gets blurry, I lose my ability to think straight and it fuels the anxiety. I have been purging non stop though, creature of habit.
I look 35.

I feel fine one moment and then the next moment my whole world cracks into a thousand pieces, writing is how at present I am able to temporarily piece it all together to create a mosaic of pain, fervour, love, hopelessness and everything in between. 

I do not need him because he is pain but I need him because even though he is the provider of pain, not intentionally. He is love and I am trying not to need him. I need to stop purging and be clear headed and present for what’s to come. 

These Waters

I have a date tomorrow with a guy I met online, he gets nervous when making plans and ceases to make sense and keeps blathering which I find amusing. He cancelled on me last weekend on account of his work schedule which is extremely tight and that left me feeling crushed, paranoid and abandoned.

I am excited and a bit nervous, these are whole new waters to me. I plan on being careful, I plan on being the best version of myself. I just hope he doesn’t let me down again, I do not want the risk of seeming too available, too keen and desperate if he reschedules again and I have to say yes because it’s not so much about him if I am to be ever so honest, this to me goes far beyond just a date or some guy, this is some of break out from these elastic binds of tedious repetition, some need born out of the desire to experience new things and new people. Some kind of rebirth. Me, conquering my anxiety.

I have much to do, I cannot wait.