The past few weeks have been busy, stressful, emotional, wholesome, life altering. I have gone through so many emotions and experiences all in a space of 3 weeks and I can safely say I have no regrets, I want to relive some nights even the ones I thought were horrible and I could not wait to go home.
I have for the most part been trying to unravel the patterns of my nature, I fight to reach the surface and then when my head is almost above the water, I get frustrated, impatient and I let go and let the undertow carry me away back to some underwater dark cave where the only sound is the sound of fear and I feel worthless, hopeless, suicidal. No more, time lacks patience and I have to seek what I truly desire and that which I have always lacked courage to seek. It sounds easy typing this but I am frozen and yet there seems to be some invincible force pushing me to carry on.
I participated in another pageant! Modelling has always been something that fascinated me but my eating disorder and body image issues were always those voices that whispered words of discouragement in my ear. This year, two weeks ago at the ripe old age of 23 I walked on a ramp. I did not win, the show was disorganised, it was a low budget pageant but it was an experience that I will carry with me forever for all the good reasons.
I have made friends, I’m networking and I am doing promotional modelling as a part time gig, it’s stressful, sometimes I feel like giving up because I have to stand for hours when I feel lethargic. I can’t keep up sometimes because I can’t shop around all day with my new found friends because bulimia drowsiness takes it’s toll on me, it makes me angry and sad but I cannot stop. Throughout all of this change and this new lifestyle, bulimia is remaining a constant and i don’t know how to shake it off because it is a coping mechanism. Today for instance I opted to stay at home bingeing all day instead of going to a casting, I am a sad sad sad person.
I thank god for all the beautiful people that have waltzed into my life and the footprints they have left, sometimes it gets too much though, the communicating, the meeting up for coffee. I tend to zone out when people are talking and the facade of cheerfulness I wear in public is more fixed than it ever was to the point where I think I have actually convinced myself that I am happy or content, I do have moments of joy but happiness? That’s a big word for the positive emotion that I sometimes feel.
I have always been a loner because I enjoy my own company in a narcissistic type of way I suppose, but I am a good person. Sometimes I just need a day to myself, away from the texts, the group selfies and the planning… I just need that alone time so I can go back to my former self for only a day so I can breath and then thrust myself back again into the wilderness of socialising.
I have work tomorrow and my head is spinning from purging, I am a mess but I will drink my fluids and hydrate, tomorrow I will wear makeup, look pretty, smile and I will cross my fingers and pray not to pass out. I look the part they are all convinced, now I just have to act the part. Inside the fragments that make me who I am are falling into pieces… shattering ever so loudly but on the outside I’m doing great. Someone I met while working had the audacity to say I was going places and that I had what it takes to succeed, wow such scandalous accusations.