Profound Silence 

​The more I sink deeper into this more profound and incredibly dramatic descent and farther into my own personal hell, I have lost the ability to leave the house. Home is the best place for my pity, I cant find employment and everything outside is irrelevant to the state of current affairs in my head and life. Dim the sun. I know it’s not healthy, my depression has a sense of ownership of this house and the only way I can divest that ownership is through taking brief walks.

 
I took a walk today, one of my twice or thrice a week mini reprieves. Since I broke up with him I have gone on these walks and walking the same path,  each day as I  have walked past a familiar tree, a shrub, a wall. I have found myself stronger than the day before. Still mournful but I have felt my emotions become  more aligned.. perfectly arranged upheaveal. Today was different, I felt everything and nothing in its purest form. It sank in finally, the bright sun blinding me I stopped and felt nothing. It finally sank in, this is the reality and I cannot change it and in that moment I thought to myself. This is how it goes and I accepted it.

I cry all day. I cry and binge and purge. I have gained weight, my face is fuller but I don’t mind. I don’t care. I am no longer as strict with my restriction and purging. Sometimes I feed my brain and don’t purge, most of the times I engage in mindful bingeing and purging for the whole day. My eyes are permanently baggy. Bulimia and its effects don’t at all concern me, I don’t lay awake at night thinking about my ED anymore.  The ED thoughts have been replaced by equally dark or more darker thoughts, I can’t decide which is which.

Sometimes I take a deep breath and say I give up and that momentary feeling is relieving beyond how I could ever describe it but I still have desire in me.

I am alone tonight and it feels peaceful. I need this solitude, its perfect. I keep cancellIing plans with friends, I cant shake it offf. I have uninstalled whatsapp from my phone, merely opening the app and being inudiated with a barrage of messages has been giving me this sense of terror, I feel as though I am encircled my wolves.I have become the epitome of antisocial, I wish I could converse about mundane every day life scenarios. I cannot or rather do not want to answer what I’m up to tonight and then ask them what they are up to as well, the ol dance of useless chatter.  Please stop inviting me to things. Just stop. I want to be left completely and utterly alone. 

I’m sorry, please understand.

Day 2

Day 2 is a write off.

The events of today were out of the norm, I did not get to engage in my usual routine but somehow still managed to have an enormous binge and purge session that left me feeling worthless.

We have relatives staying over and I feel displaced, like an intruder in my own home. My bedroom is full of suitcases and people and there is no escape. I could scream. I will not last a whole week of tending to people, conversing and having to maintain this synthetic politeness and care.

Meal times will be interesting that’s for certain. Whatever. I just need some sort of reprieve.

Desolate

It’s almost 2am and I am in bed eating because fuck it. I am going to savour the taste of this god damn muffin, juice and chocolate. I will sleep with a swollen belly and endure the discomfort. Who is bulimia tonight and what has she ever given me in all the years that we have acquainted? Nothing but an abundance of heartache. What I have I gained from shrinking my body and abusing it in ways that words cannot even begin to explain. Being skinny hasn’t made me happy, it’s never enough.. it hasn’t given me that relationship that I thought would come if I were happy as a result of finally having control of my weight which is linked to having control of my life.

I had a date tonight and the whole day I was looking forward to it. I prepped for this date, I stopped purging for two days, wanting to look my best, I hydrated, felt lucid and somewhat disengaged from the purging part of bulimia. At around 12 the guy texted me and said that something huge at work had come up blah blah blah and that we should meet next weekend and in that moment my heart sank into my stomach. It’s like being brought to these heights only to be knocked back down again.

He was extremely apologetic and it’s not the end of the world  but it just made me feel so let down because I had rearranged my whole weekend, my anxiety had for once allowed me to feel somewhat at ease, I was ready, confident and now that’s ruined. My self confidence has shrunk, I’ve lost my nerve and my mind is now riddled with doubt, hopelessness, fear and some terrifying emotion I am yet to identify.  I just felt this urgent need to binge and purge, of which I did. I don’t feel better or worse, I just feel… Just?

I am scoffing chocolate as we speak, it’s this vile act of greed and sheer boredom. I just feel so let down, roaming some dreary wasteland that I only can perceive.

Unremitting

I woke this morning to a bleeding mouth, with blood oozing out of the perforated roof of my mouth a few centimetres away from my throat. I spat, gargled, silently panicked and applied salt to the wound and waited and waited till it subsided. There is a hole in my mouth, I feel damaged and defeated. 

I have binged and purged an average of 6 times a week for the past 6 months, I don’t know any different. I am still unemployed, I spend the day dangling on the edge and by the time late noon arrives I give in. The binges are much more frenzied, much bigger and the purges are more violent hence the way my mouth, throat and my very being is disintegrating.

I have stopped by to read some blog post here and there, I had forgotten how it feels like home here, there’s this level of familiarity, this rawness that one cannot find anywhere… The struggle we share. I haven’t typed on a keyboard the way I’m doing now, I cannot concentrate my mind is always preoccupied and my bones are restless, watching a movie has become a thing of the past. I am so drained of electrolytes, life and variety so much so lucidity has become a thing of the past. I also seem to have flushed down my ambition down the toilet along with the regurgitated food that is meant to nourish my body.

I simultaneously care and do not care, it’s a delicate balance between having a steadfast grip or fucking it all up anyway. In the constant struggle of standing or moving, doing and the feeble attempts at self-restraint.. I, have forgotten what I was trying to do.

My social life has bloomed in proportion to the manner in which I have been relapsing. It’s hard to fathom, how it can be so. I go out and socialise but it’s always to a minimum and I like my parties/events few and far in between but that’s a start. I haven’t been able to drink alcohol though, I just cannot stomach it, maybe subconsciously it’s tied to my eating disorder.

I’m sort of talking to a man 9 years my senior, he’s the funniest I have ever known. It’s probably not going to go anywhere since he’s only in the country for a few months, I’ll just enjoy the conversations because his presence has been good for my soul.

I’m restricting, like always, I don’t know the way forward. I’m just going to follow this path that carved for myself. The most important thing though is that I have, by any means necessary have to stop purging.

Insensitive

I met up with my friend today so we could go to a casting. I was wearing layers and layers of clothing and the moment she saw me she called me fat, she said I had gained weight. Her exact words were “omg why are you fat now”. WTF. In all fairness she didn’t say it with malice… I think, she knows nothing about my eating disorder but honestly that was a very shitty thing to say. I just laughed it off and said Noooooooo and pretended to be Unbothered but since she uttered those words I’ve been feeling awful and resentful.

I came back home and weighed myself, my weight is still the same but it doesn’t change how disgustingly big I feel now. I measured myself frantically. I’m distracted and angry. I love my friend dearly we’ve been through worse lot together these past few months but right now I really dislike her and her barrage of snide comments.

I didn’t do well at the casting because my walk was atrocious, I suddenly began to feel my bits jiggling because of what was said to me. I got in a haze and that shred of self confidence I had flew away. I starved myself tonight, I’m better than that. I’m not 14, comments like that shouldn’t sway my decisions about eating food or not eating food thereof but here I am awake at 1:30 hungry, headache-y, angry, fat and just generally exhausted. I hate people sometimes

Note to self

image

Please be brave

It’s almost midnight and I’m in my bed swallowing up food rising up my throat that my body is demanding to rid of, it is not used to retaining food. I could easily purge and take the easy steep road and come off this. Bravery, discipline and most importantly restraint is what is needed here. It’s so hard but I will not, I’m ill, my body is broken. Bit by bit my body is disintegrating, someone on here once wrote of engaging in the process of dying because you’re not actually dying there and then but you’re killing emotions. I have sharp pains in my abdomen region, my chest feels heavy and cold like I have cold air stuck in my chest. I feel dead, dead and fed. I’ll sleep, today’s battles have been fought or more accurately I’ve spent the day dodging bullets but I still came out wounded.

Messy

It’s actually hard to eat when someone is asking you endless questions “You are eating the whole portion right?” “Is it delicious” “Really” “So I should buy more of that” “What did you eat today” etc etc. It’s already hard enough eating AND eating in front of people, just please keep quiet and let me just eat. I hate feeling observed and inspected. Eating in front of people makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. I don’t know how to eat normally so I pace myself, 95% of the time I eat alone and it usually ends in a binge and purge. I don’t know any different.

Today was messy, haphazard snacking, a binge and purge some more snacking and purging… more snacking. I can smell vomit in my nose. I ate dinner, a delicious beef pie. It’s done, I will not be on my knees abusing myself…. not tonight.