It has been months.
I picked my soul apart, folded it over and came face to face with hideous emotions that are not of this realm. Some things agitate the heart, some eat away at it but this violated all of my faculties. I cannot even begin to comprehend the way these revelations ruffled my peace, disturbed and re-arranged my soul.
All I could do is medicate, sleep and pray and even then, I began to weaken in prayer. There are days when the cloud obscured everything and I could do is drag my being to where it needed to be… work, friends etc. There are days when the cloud would lift but it remained dark enough to keep me in the grips of the cool hand of grief reminding me that some things cannot be escaped, at least not easily or soon.
So here I am sitting in another vehicle, journeying to another place. Not yet healing, not shattered in pieces but still broken at the vital points in the centre of winter.
I guess my hands tremble and feel weightless because of the loss.
I’m dragging it today.
It is sitting in between panic raggged breaths, pauses and conversations. The morning tremble has invaded the day. Maybe the hot and cold feeling is emptiness coursing through my veins.
I am so empty.
This night made a difference. I went out and did what I love to do, hanging out with creatives. My heart broke every second but it created a shift in my routine. It gave me the ability to step outside of myself and my isolation.
I woke up the same, churning in turmoil. The morning collapse. It sits in my arms and chest cavity, It tingles in my fingers, I think. It waits in the night and when morning comes, it awakens. There is hollow then there is this. It is wordless, really.
The way what is inhabiting my belly refuses to cease to disturb, the retracing, the what’s the use. OMG.
My soul is troubled and so is my blood.
I can feel the pain in every region of my faculties.
I feel like something is wearing my body.
I woke up with this ominous presence rising in my heart. My stomach feels as though it wants to exit my body. I want to throw up my guts. All my body can do is shake, these sensations circulate in waves throughout my body.
23:00- I finally cry. I finally eat.. something. I am trying to find the anchor in others however, I am too arrested in my sorrow, disappointment and shock.