Broke routine

Today was a bit different in the way I broke routine, instead of studying and doing meaningless household chores I went to a meet up for an upcoming fashion week, I got the chance to be one of the assistant co-ordinators, I am excited and scared at the same time but I feel it’ll be good for me in terms of work experience and just putting myself out there.

My mum said it’d be a good chance to mix and mingle with different people, my social anxiety never flares up when  meeting new people, in fact I love meeting new people. My social skills thrive when I am amongst people who don’t know me  but it’s when I have to maintain ongoing relationships with these people that’s when my social anxiety comes out to play, I start to worry that maybe they won’t like me anymore when their first impressions of me don’t make a lasting impression and I will start to depreciate in front of their very eyes. I would be exposed and they will know who exactly I really am. I’d rather just “wow” them by wearing one of my many “rad funny chick masks” and let them think I’m great but never see them again but that’s not how life works, you have to build relationships with people and then nurture those relationships.

Anyway, this assistant coordinator gig is only for a few days but I get to be part of the action, backstage passes and what not. They said they would email us with the details and I met some pretty cool girls most of them are doing fashion designing so they have more of reason to want to take part than I do since this is their field but who cares.

In other news, I was reading a post by a fellow blogger and she mentioned how when it comes to eating disorders you have to eat and you know what that gave me confidence to eat my dinner and fill my empty stomach, I was on the verge of passing out… anaemia, starvation, dehydration and lord knows what else. I still feel woozy but I am coping by tomorrow I’ll be much better, it always takes a few days to get back to normal. So that’s my Saturday, I am going to slide into bed and watch some tv shows.

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I can’t stop purging

I feel like I am stuck  in some of sort of time space where everything is infinitely recurring.These habits are getting more and more out of hand and this disorder is slowly but surely killing me, I am sprinting towards death if I allow this to continue. Where is my willpower for goodness sake and I definitely misplaced my will to live because a person who wants life would not act like this, how dare I rob myself of laughter,  I am afraid and alone.

I can’t stop purging but I must, each time I purge it feels like I am on the verge of making my throat collapse, the more I purge the more my throat feels like it’s pushing to the back of my mouth. I am so afraid of what’s going on so much so my throat has been involuntarily closing up before purging, it’s the strangest feeling. Dizzy spells that make me lose my memory & falling asleep each time I sit down- if hell had a face mine would be it… I look terrible and feel worse. I should stop purging and I have as of earlier this afternoon, once again I am no longer allowed the luxury to binge and purge all I want…. Well at least for now.

Thing are dangling in the air waiting to be done, I have no desire to do them.

One thing I am feeling good about are my moods, I feel happy for longer then there are those moments where I want to breakdown but for now it’s bearable at least there’s that.

Control Control Control

Well, after the past two days this is what I feel like,

snack-barbieI haven’t eaten any fruit since Sunday and I have been eating muffins, milk and porridge-like cereal. I am not myself I am SO hungry, this isn’t greed all but I genuinely have been feeling dizzy accompanied by excruciating headaches, it’s tough even looking at my laptop and doing my assignments or what not. The only thing that is keeping me from collapsing is eating and I hate it because I am a machine goddammit! I can eat apples, vegetables and coke zero only for days and not feel fatigued but I guess my body just wants nourishment… it’s starving and tired.

Tomorrow I am putting an end to this madness, back to the plan… back to restriction. Eating in itself in a massive trigger, it leads to bingeing then purging and the mean cycle will be completed, I’d rather deny myself any food and avoid the trigger but there has to be a way to break that eats normal meal–oh no, might as well binge–actually binges link. I guess it all comes down to control control control, which is something I don’t have at least not consistently anyway. The control comes in waves, tomorrow and the day after I might have it and then lose it the day after.

 

The end of purging

I don’t know how many days it has been since the ol purge but I think it has been 6+ days I am not sure, I don’t keep track anymore. I have however been feeling the bloat you get when you have spent a couple of days without purging because your body is confused. I know I can’t purge anymore that’s just not a risk I am willing to take, I know I have said this before but this time it’s no longer fear talking, it’s reality. When I put my fingers down my throat to the left side I can feel something is wrong and out of place, if I push my fingers down my throat and attempt to purge, a bit of food comes out but when I look at my fingers they have blood on them. That luxury so to speak of ridding of the guilt, that euphoric feeling, the easy way out, the coping mechanism I have relied on for so many years has been taken away from me.

Would I love to be able to purge like normal? hell yes and that is my problem. I enjoy food, I love food, I love snacks, chocolates, muffins, cereal you name it. I love food but it’s one thing I fear most in the world. I want to devour it but I can’t because I will get fat so I starve until the urge overtakes and I binge and purge but there is no longer a way to rectify it, I hate exercising with a passion, I’d rather not eat anything and then spend the whole day feeling dizzy as long as I am getting results. The idea to purge was my brilliant idea the first time I did it all those years ago, it was exciting, it worked/works. now I feel like my throat and my body have turned on me, I wanted recovery to be as a result of me being in control and saying no purging but instead my throat is saying no to me. It scares me that I might lose control and end up purging and end up completely messing myself up. You are not yourself when you are in the binge-purge zone, yes you are you in some sense but not entirely.. you are this thing, this ravenous beast on a mission.

My eating has been half haphazard for the past few days but I’ve made the conscious decision to not dwell on it, by haphazard I don’t mean overeating or bingeing but I have been eating foods outside of the what I usually limit myself to like adding a portion of noodles instead of just having vegetables and grilled chicken, having a muffin with my coffee granted I always always dissect any muffin I eat.. I perform surgery on muffins by breaking it into a million pieces and only eating the top crusty part and the sides and then I throw it away… always. I have an issue with texture when it comes to the food I eat, I like hard food like toast, my meat has to be dry. when I eat bread it has to be hard brown bread and even then I will only eat the crusts.

I have been feeling extremely lethargic towards the end of the day and I am breaking rules. I am breaking so many of my rules but it doesn’t feel like the end of the world, I never used to eat before 7pm now I do, I never used to allow myself a muffin with my coffee unless it was a binge or an “off-day”/ scheduled binge day were I surfeit myself to the point of loathing everything about myself. Today and last night I had ice-cream, normal sized portions. I felt like I was possessed when I was scooping ice-cream into a cup, I went to the fridge with the full intention of having a wee bit of ice-cream but the moment I opened the lid I was so mesmerized by this beautiful white glorious matter, I kept scooping and scooping almost as though I wasn’t in control of my hand anymore. I just wanted MORE AND MORE AND MORE. I restrained myself then took my half a cup of ice-cream sat on the sofa, ate it and I did not go back for more.

Of Hospitals

Earlier I went to the hospital to visit the lady who goes to my mum’s church, she just had a baby and it was a c-section. She is always nice to me, always smiling and encouraging me so I felt obliged to go and check on her so when mum told me she was going to the hospital in the afternoon I decided to tag along. As we entered the maternity ward I felt my head getting hot and the hospital smell bothered me. The room she was in was too stuffy because the aircon wasn’t working and it wasn’t a private room, there were about 4 other beds in there. I looked around me and all I saw were these women who had just given birth and were in agony. They looked miserable with their bed hair as they breastfed their babies and I swear my uterus vibrated in protest, almost as if to say I never want to end up here. The longer I stayed the more I felt like I was going to collapse into a heap on the floor at any moment. There were plenty of people from the church who had come to visit as well so we kept the visit short and sweet then we went on our way.

I know I tend to be dramatic but I that hospital ward really haunted me. I can’t get the looks on the women’s faces out of my head, of course they are overjoyed to have a new bundle of joy but they looked ruined. I looked at the lady on the bed behind me and I thought to myself “woah it’s gonna be a bitch for her to lose that baby weight”. If you want to be put off ever having a baby just visit a public hospital ward with 5 miserable looking women and your uterus will go into hibernation forever.

All bullshitting aside, I would love to have kids someday definitely but what I saw today opened up my eyes to the reality of it. I then thanked god I didn’t end up doing nursing. My dad wanted me to do nursing and I refused because I felt it wasn’t for me, he even got furious with me back then but I stuck to what I had always wanted to study. There are people who have it in them, I don’t. What if I contract some virus while doing the nursing and get an incurable disease…. this is my acute paranoia talking. When you almost collapse walking down the hallway of a hospital what more actually working in one, touching people and cleaning fluids.. blood etc. I respect nurses so much they put up with a lot of crap.

Creepy old man

The old man fixing our fridge came by today and he is very creepy and gross, I was explaining to him how exactly the fridge was malfunctioning and he kept looking at me up and down in a really sexual & disgusting way it made sick so I just left the room and left him to do his job, he then said that the compressor was damaged and he’ll be coming back tomorrow with a new compressor so I have to deal with him tomorrow again. Ugh.

I probably sound ridiculous but it really disturbed me because I was alone in the house and I am VERY paranoid. (I even keep a knife under my bed) The reason being “just in case”. Insane I know!
I didn’t tell anyone because I know how it would sound… Silly! At least tomorrow it’ll be over and I’ll laugh about it someday.

*YAWN*

It’s 1:15am and I just climbed into bed, super tired and I have the dizziness that is always present for a few days after aunt flo leaves but it’s all good, I am taking my iron tablets and hydrating as much as I can.

Clenched fist

Sometimes all you can do is to clench your fist, I am so hurt and angry by the massive fight my dad and I had, I told him straight up that I was sick of him and he went on to say a lot of vile things and the worst part is that he just attacked me from nowhere, purposely picked a fight with me, god I hate that man. I’ve been avoiding him. Anyway Since Sunday I’ve been feeling extremely weak and dizzy. I have been eating normally well okay trying to. I am taking milk in my coffee and I think that’s an improvement, I have also been drinking those packet cappuccinos with about 90 calories per cup I think that’s kinda okay. A month ago there is no way I would have done this, I drink one every other day.

Yesterday I went into town, I wore my new rocker chick t-shirt, jeans and converses and I felt amazing, I just felt like I was securely and comfortably in my own skin. I even took plenty of selfies before I headed out.

2 hours later in town I felt this wave of dizziness, I actually leaned on some car otherwise I would have fallen. I then went into the dodgy eatery, threw myself on the chair.. head on lap. I then decided to get an energy drink so I walked up to the counter to get one and the cashier took what seemed like a long time to ring up my drink by this time I felt like I was going to collapse right there. I downed that drink so fast and bam! Intense stomach ache. Everyone was looking at me I felt so humiliated, I just wanted someone to come and carry me and take me home. 30 minutes later I felt strong enough to walk and as I was walking out all eyes were on me but I didn’t care all I wanted was to board my bus back home.

Today I feel better, still dizzy as hell but not anything like yesterday. I’m still struggling with bulimia but I am getting better. I decided that instead of aiming to completely recover I’ll just do what I can right now and if I binge no purging or fasting the next day come what may, pressuring myself into this miraculous overnight cure definitely won’t work. I have this new appreciation for life due to recent events. I hope my mindset stays this way. I have to recover from my EDs because I want to live and the longer I have it the more I am damaging my chances of having children one day, I can only cross my fingers real tight and hope that the damage hasn’t already been done because that would kill me.