Too much oestrogen in me and I am not in the driver’s seat, I feel irritable… on the edge like a drug addict scratching away relentlessly. I need my fix, I violently need to consume sugar, I have to have it.
This week has been a blur in all honesty, I am not “in touch” with Bulimia in the sense that I have been engaging in binge purge behaviours but those episodes/rituals haven’t been the major thing I have been focusing on, ED has been in the back burner but she’s still there causing havoc in the background.
http://www.mirror-mirror.org/set.htm The article above reminded me of a post of mine Fighting my biology The set point theory makes sense, your body is genetically meant to stay within a certain range. Nowadays when my weight fluctuates (as it always has) if my weight goes below a certain number my body starts to shut down before I used to be able to cope I’d feel horrible but I’d still be active and hell l bent on losing more… doing hundreds of situps etc whereas now if my weight is low I find myself not able to get out of bed because of sheer exhaustion even after sleeping for 12 hours, can hear my heart beating really fast & always on the verge of blacking out.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels but when skinny comes with heart palpitations, absent periods, extreme dizziness and moods from hell then skinny doesn’t taste so good. I am not underweight now and I’m fine with it to an extent, in a way I feel like I’ve lost discipline which pains me because I’ve always been good at that. This lack of discipline has also been reigning terror over my studies, I am not studying for hours and hours and no longer near as perfectionistic as I was a year ago. I’ve slipped into a state and I can’t be bothered to snap out of it because what’s the point.
Reality’s fist punched me in the face, life after graduation doesn’t magically change and everything won’t fall into place despite all your hoping, praying and efforts because the sad truth is where there is will there isn’t always a way. I know I’ll go back to my former rigid (and productive) self I just haven’t found the right motivation.
My body is demanding nourishment, I stay up late studying and I cannot concentrate because of my hunger gnawing away at my insides…. I never give in there and then so I just go to bed without studying (problem; studies being affected). It’s always the following day when I find myself clearing up bowls of cereal because of hunger, surely I could have just eaten a normal portion the night before and avoided all that but this is the disorder… This is bulimia and this is a fight.
When it comes to my EDs I can’t say I can be triggered… well anymore than I always am in the sense that I am always in a perpetual state of this triggered state and everyday it’s a battle to not let this triggered mindset prevail. Most days.. these days I just give in to this need to surfeit myself, my willpower is on holiday and has been for a while.
Been any easy weekend so far, nothing too stressful just movies black coffee and fruit. 3 days purge free, my body is on the mend that feeling of a needle poking at my sides is gone, my neck is healing properly it doesn’t feel like my throat is disintegrating when I tilt my head to the side but I can still taste blood in my mouth and I am convinced it’s all in my head. Weekends are always easy since everyone will be home & it’s as much a hindrance and a distraction from carrying out my bingeing tendencies. I’ve had an apple and tons of coffee since morning its almost 5pm now, eating and retaining the food lives me in so much pain. I can’t down fluids over 300ml in a short space of time without feeling like my stomach is about burst open so in turn my binges are getting smaller and smaller which I guess is a good thing.
The aroma of the dinner mum made smells like childhood, when I was about 7 or 8 before this whole ED thing began when I was a happy eater & I would eat without a care in the world. I feel virtuous when I eat a bowl of boiled veggies and chicken every night but in a way I feel excluded when everyone is eating a normal dinner. I miss potato salad with lots of mayonnaise in it, rice and stew, warm whole meal brown bread with a slob of margarine and polony, God I miss cold meats on bread, garlic rolls, cheese pastries, biroches dipped in chocolate, hot custard, giant chocolate covered croissants, giant coconut biscuits with shiny chocolate glazing.
If I were to start eating, I would never be able to stop for months.
I can’t seem to find the right word to describe what the past two days have been like, I haven’t been feeling a lot of emotions but realisations galore. I haven’t been myself whoever that is since I don’t know who my authentic self is anymore.
After much thought and consideration I decided to not go to the doctor after randomly spitting up bright red blood, in all the years I have been bulimic this had never happened before… not like that, when I purge I sometimes find streaks of blood but I have never randomly spit pure blood before. I live in fear of the dreaded esophageal rupture, if you have one it can be fatal. When I woke up the next morning it wasn’t a matter of emergency anymore so I instead went to the pharmacy and got antibiotics without a prescription … I guess I am very convincing. My body feels weak, my side hurts like someone is poking me with a needle and don’t even get me started on my throat, my chest hurts and my stomach hurts like I am having menstrual cramps. I am still here not fully standing but trying to get up.
There is this hypochondriac part of me that has this fear that maybe I am bleeding internally or my throat will suddenly snap and I will die, this is all ridiculous thinking… I hope. Last night my family and I sat in the living room everyone on their phones and not really paying attention to the tv, these are the hours that are disguised as family time but nobody really talks but in a huge way it is indeed family time. Anyway, I thought that now would be the perfect time to just blurt out and say it I’m bulimic… I really thought of saying it.. I really did but the words weren’t exactly sticking at the back of my throat because in all truthfulness I did not want to expose who I really am, so I kept quiet… tears filled my eyes and I sank into the sofa and carried on with my night.
My plate is overflowing with issues emotional or otherwise that I know I am not allowing myself to feel right now but I will need to deal with them soon, in a way though I am OKAY, I am not in bed bawling my eyes out, I haven’t jammed my fingers down my throat for two days and I don’t feel like I am going to lose it if I don’t purge. This is definitely the calm before the storm and I am still in shock, the urges will start, I will binge and I will not be able to purge and that is when I will have to fight the urge and remind myself of that night at 1am when blood was dripping from my mouth and I was terrified I was never going to see another sunrise.
Its exactly 1:45am and I have been up doing random stuff on my laptop. 10 minutes ago the scariest thing happened.
I was doing the whole getting ready for bed ritual, I went to the loo then my mouth started tasting funny.. this taste of blood & I thought that was odd so I went to the sink.. spat and there it was bright red blood. I don’t know what to do, I put a tissue in my mouth to see maybe my gums are bleeding then I gargled but nothing more came out. The purging has finally caught up with me in an evident way now, I don’t know what to do. I chewed raw garlic maybe it’ll help (I garlic is my go to cure all remedy).
I can’t wake anyone up now it’ll have to wait till morning. My hands are shaking from fear as I am typing this and I know now that I truly want to be here on earth, I want to live and I don’t wanna die. All the suicidal thoughts and tendencies seem so ridiculous now. It’s angering recalling some things I have said to myself about not wanting to live, nonsense I have typed on twitter or wherever about existence being meaningless. Maybe what has happened is the wake up call I need, I don’t want to be this person anymore.
Tomorrow well today, I am going to the doctor, I may or may not confess about bulimia but how do I explain spitting up blood. Maybe I’ll say I threw up involuntarily earlier in the day and suppose the vomiting was rather violent. Oh I am so ridiculous, If I go on my own I’ll tell the doc everything but if not even if I will obviously go into the doc’s office alone I won’t tell because the situation might get out of hand. I am so ashamed I am not ready for anyone to know.
I don’t think I will be able to sleep or watch a movie think I’ll just scroll random websites on my phone until Sunrise. I can’t cry, surprised I am not crying I guess when you are in so much fear crying isn’t the first reaction. I Just hope tomorrow they will give me antibiotics and send me on my way.
Has anyone with bulimia ever randomly spat blood even hours after purging? What did you do? Help.
Panicking really bad right now because my mum went grocery shopping and it seems she bought everything in the supermarket. I feel anxious when there is too much food in the house, I like it when there is only an average amount because then I won’t feel the urge to binge since food will go missing and that would raise a red flag.
There are a lot of cereal boxes, frozen pies, frozen muffins, chocolate, scones, 5litres of ice cream, chocolate milk plus other treats (all in bulk) I, could binge myself into oblivion. At least there is a balance of everything veggies and fruit etc. I will make myself some noodles with a tiny cube of cheese then fill the rest of the plate with veggies, I feel like crap after purging this afternoon.
Tomorrow will be difficult but I will try to focus on other things instead of stuffing my face and purging. I burned all the food wrappers that have been collecting in my room, the burning of food wrappers or throwing them away in bins far away from home is in itself is a form of purging.
I am so glad nobody in my family knows I’m bulimic, with bulimia comes strategy, I have never slipped up not even once. If they suspect something they have never told me about it. Somedays I really wonder if I am that good at deceiving my own family, doesn’t my own mother have a slight suspicion of my bulimia?!. It gets exhausting struggling on your own without your family supporting you because they don’t know a single thing but I know my mother she is amazing but she would never understand the mental illness aspect of bulimia, she doesn’t get eating disorders.. I mean really get them. She is always nagging me about my eating habits, how infrequent I eat, my child-like small portions, weird eating habits etc but she has no clue that behind closed doors I can polish up bowls of cereal then throw it up.
My mum is VERY religious, she blames evil spirits/the devil as the cause of my ED (the one she knows of), she truly believes that if she prays hard enough, if I pray hard enough I will be cured. Don’t get me wrong I believe in God but it gets frustrating when I know I can’t even confide in her about bulimia because she will get all religious on me and I will never find the help I need.
I believe God doesn’t help someone who doesn’t help themselves. For example you can’t pray to God so you can pass a test without even touching the textbook just like I can’t just kneel and hope to find recovery and actually getting it without first taking the necessary steps to recover and recovery encompasses a myriad of issues to address.
So that’s my situation.