The sky won’t break

Today was spent baking treats it’s like something possessed me because I ended up baking for close to 6 hours but it was all worth it because it kept me occupied and gave me a much needed break from my studying. It’s grim isn’t it… studying away during this festive season but it’s not so bad just need to manage my time very carefully since we’re going to be visiting a lot of family and people are probably going to be visiting.

I promised myself that this year I will eat food at my gran’s, I don’t care if it’ll be drenched in oil I will eat my way around it and soldier through. I don’t think I can bear the hurt look on her face this year, I won’t die from eating a Christmas lunch and retaining it. It’s okay. The sky won’t break- that’s my motto these days, to me it means there won’t be major repercussions from taking a course of action that I am afraid of taking because of my refusal to step outside of my comfort/safe zone.

I had a major anxiety attack in my bed last, I can’t say anything in particular brought it on but I just started crying and I couldn’t breathe so I had to breathe through my mouth and basically calm myself down, I felt this need to get up and do something violent or maybe get up and run all I know is I just wanted to do something to take the edge off. When I woke up this morning I was fine and I am still fine.

It’s almost an hour until Christmas here and I am about to crack open my textbook and do a bit of studying, no excuses… I have to keep up the momentum.

Merry Christmas to you all, I hope it will be filled with laughter that which we all seek, may you be surrounded by loved ones who make your heart warm.

Food is a drug and I am an addict

(Wrote this post last night couldn’t post because my Internet went crazy)

Well its official winter is here, it’s freezing out. I especially hate these leather sofas in the winter because it feels like you’re sitting on a block of ice, it helps to put a blanket then sit but still hate these sofas. All this cold never and has never stopped me from eating ice-cream, just had a cup! I ate breakfast lunch and a fatty supper, had calorie rich coffees and hot chocolate throughout the day. I feel like a giant especially after devouring a packet of biscuits and half a giant-sized chocolate croissant in bed last night, I panicked and went into “this food has got to go so it won’t trigger me tomorrow mood” so I ate it all, woke up full then ate again. On the upside at least mum saw me actually eat breakfast today. She always says “I buy those muffins you like but I’ve never actually seen you eat one, do you throw them away when I am not here?” No mum I binge on them like an animal… but I could never tell her this of course.

Mum accepted a long time ago that I have certain things I won’t eat, before she used to argue with me and try to convince me to drink regular coke instead diet, drink tea with milk instead of without etc, she would always say people who need to lose weight do that, you don’t need to lose weight you actually need to gain so please just eat what a normal person would eat. She then stopped trying to convince me to eat what she thought I would then she started buying me what I wanted and that was great for a while, still is actually in a way.

There is a section in the fridge sorely dedicated for storing “my foods” and a cupboard as well, nobody is supposed to eat that food except me it’s sort of an unspoken rule. this careful managing of my eating disorder makes me so ashamed because, nobody in my family knows I am bulimic, I have mentioned this in previous post my family thinks I am/was an anorexic who relapses often so they have to keep me in check by making sure I don’t relapse again. So I am ashamed of the fact that I buy binge food then come home and eat it all and never touch the food at home that I don’t eat so they worry I am starving myself, give me lectures when my belly is about to explode from surfeiting myself or about to pass out from puking so much. I try to cover my tracks by making food disappear, feeding it to the dogs but apparently I am not so good at it. If I cover up too much by making food disappear too fast I am afraid I will be found out, which is ridiculous because nobody has a clue I am bulimic, they wouldn’t.

That’s the thing about being a closeted bulimic so to speak, you’re always so paranoid, “I have to hide these chocolate wrappings because if anyone finds them they’ll out two into together” – that kind of thinking. You’re always busy worrying about losing control and bingeing then you binge and you worry about purging.. if something will go wrong then you worry about the post-purge clean up, everything has to look clean… normal, then you worry about the food wrappings… how to get rid of them, then you start getting dizzy from dehydration… you worry, then you worry about how much you’ve gained from bingeing by the time you lay your head on your pillow you’re exhausted from abusing your body and the lies you’ve told all day.

Tomorrow and the day after is the same but I believe cycles can be broken, I have recently started to believe so I didn’t. Breaking the cycle by way of conditioning. I believe you can never scare yourself into recovery, that never worked for me. Purging blood knowing I would die if I didn’t stop did not make me recover, of course in that moment I swore to myself that I would never ever purged but a couple of antibiotics later and healed throat I was back on my knees purging. So conditioning your mind, your body by eating the same foods over and over to the point where you don’t feel the need to binge and purge anymore. When all is said and done everything goes back to the same point, EATING.

Food is indeed a drug, I can go for two days without eating but the moment I eat something it’s as though this beast is awakened and I have to eat everything. Quod me nutrit me destruit- what nourishes me also destroys me. Food is a wonderful thing but to me it’s my enemy and my best friend at the same time. An eating disorder isn’t just about food but truly sometimes it feels like that’s what it’s all about. It is very tiresome. It’s like getting on a roller coaster and never coming off it.. ever because you can’t “quit” you need food to survive.

Food is a drug and I am an addict.

 

The in-between

Things have been spiraling out of control lately but what else is new, the stressing the fear etc… today is definitely better than the last few days in terms of emotions and all.. it feels like the calm after the storm has passed I can definitely attribute it to the how I purged five times today, my stomach feels empty, my head is spinning a little but I feel good… free… light. It gives me such a rush releasing those endorphins by purging.

I started out the day like normal then I decided I was going to eat a muffin and some coffee since  was on the verge of collapse, a muffin turned into one and a half then I downed 3 more cups of coffee then ate popcorn by this time I was feeling uncomfortable and I knew I had already lost control. I then purged then ate again then purged. I then paced around the house then ended up eating a quarter box of cereal, cereal is a HUGE binge trigger for me I instantly go into that “mode”. If there is any chance of snapping out if the binge trance it is destroyed the moment I swallow a spoonful of cereal, it’s as though it awakens this ravenous beast.

I will never eat cereal like a normal person or even eat a normal breakfast of toast and juice or whatever, a salad for lunch and a healthy dinner. There is always that moment during a binge when you are pouring your third giant sized bowl of cereal and you say to yourself “I can stop right now, the damage has been done but I can stop and continue my day like I had initially planned” but you never listen to yourself.

I can’t seem to find the in-between with everything I do in life, everything and I mean everything has to be done perfectly or not done at all. It’s a chore having an all or nothing personality. If I want to study I have to be in that full concentration zone and I will study to the point of getting a headache if I am partially in the zone or not at all then I won’t study, I won’t even touch or look at the books. I am not a drinker though I enjoy the occasional gin and juice and when I do drink I drink as though the world’s supply of alcohol will be drained by the stroke of midnight, so you get my point.. there is no in-between whatsoever

 

A night like this

I had a lovely night, God I love football! My favourite team Liverpool FC played tonight it was such an intense match and we won, 3-2!. I love nights like this screaming at the tv, joking and talking really loudly. I am so excited for the weekend because there is a big match on we’re playing against arsenal.

It’s after midnight and I just got into bed, I am so ravenous I am literally fantasizing about the red seedless grapes and sweet sweet plums in the fridge. My head was spinning a few hours ago but managed to keep my mind off it when I was watching the match, hope I doze off soon.. could use a good nights sleep! Day 3 of restriction tomorrow I can’t wait to eat on Friday!

Weight-y matters

I am so thrilled over the fact that I lost a few kilograms, I would love to lose more… does one every get really satisfied? I felt so good walking in town today the way my jeans were drooping I felt like a winner. I am not at my lowest weight but I am close..

I could try and lose more but lately I can’t let my body go below a certain amount of weight because I start to worry about my overall health before I didn’t care about health just wanted to be as thin as possible, I still do care about being skinny as heck but is it worth it? Bleeding gums, headaches, missed periods, hair falling out etc. Sadly almost always all of the above problems are a small price to pay for those glorious hip bones. The one thing that I worry most about is my periods. If I weigh just enough to get a period that’s fine even though I might feel fat but I have to keep reminding myself that in the larger scheme of things this is for the best.

There’s always that reason that stops you from relapsing completely and for me it’s the fertility issue. I do not want to be so malnourished and underweight to the point where I become infertile, I’ve read some stories about this issue and it scares me. I can only pray the damage has not already been done. The greatest tragedy would be one day when I am recovered from my multiple eating disorders then I find out I can’t have kids because of all the trauma I put my body through. I would not be able to handle it and that would mean the EDs won.

I can step on a scale and the number would be great but I don’t feel it and that is the problem.
I feel my anorexia days are over I just don’t have the discipline anymore, the drive isn’t as strong as it was because I guess I figured bulimia the lesser devil.

I can function as a bulimic well up to a certain extent. I have days were I engage in scheduled binges then days when I fast… Forever applying the all or nothing rule. During the days I fast I never get hungry it’s as though I feed on my guilt caused by the previous binge.

Drained, strained, Skeletal face..

The time is 00:09am and I am lying in my bed reflecting on this past weekend’s events or rather none-events to be accurate. Technically today is day 4 of restriction and it has been going fairly well, I did drink milk which I usually never drink when I’m restricting but I just felt so faint I had to consume something. Day four is always the hardest, I am beyond starving and I feel like I’m going crazy from hunger.

Earlier when I looked at face in the mirror I felt like I had let myself down, my face is on the wrong side of skinny now, it looks drained, strained, skeletal. It has gotten longer and I look sick and it is making me look older than I am, that is not sitting well with me.I look pathetic but this feels like success at the same time.

There was an hour today when I felt like I was sinking and I just wanted to cease to exist, nothing is in motion right now I’m just lying idle, I have all the time in the world to drive myself mental. I talked to my mum about how much I feel like I am a burden to her and how guilty I feel and she quickly dismissed it and told me I was being silly… I don’t believe her. I hate that everything is always about me and it’s not my intention.

This weekend my eating disorders took a back seat that never happens they are always in the front seat in charge of the steering. I know in my guts tomorrow I’m going to binge and purge.. day 4 is when it all starts almost like a schedule and I can’t stop it from happening, I don’t have the will power.