He was looking at me differently tonight. He was staring. He looked so handsome in dark navy blue, he seemed pleased, on cloud 9. He had the face of a man bracing himself to utter something huge. He didn’t, he didn’t need to.
The way he looked at me as I was walking up the stairs after a long and passionate Goodnight kiss, that look, that stare spoke volumes. It wasn’t a look of lust but a look of a man melting at the core.
I think he has falllen for me.
The way he walks with our hands entwined, he gives the impression of a man about to fly. He gave me a gift, a sweet gift. I felt a sense of unease in the fancy restauraunt, he should forgive me for my awkwardness, I am simply not used to men spoiling me like this.
I do not want to seem presumptuous. I don’t want my delusions of grandeur to get in the way of rational thinking.
I can’t stop thinking about him and I don’t wanna get hurt.
I feel hot and cold at the same time. I am sick to my stomach and dealing with digestive issues caused by anxiety and heartbreak. It’s this nausea inducing strangeness. An ocean between us and I can feel the waters suffusing my lungs. I hate this alienation or threat thereof. So unforgiving, I am trying to move on and I can’t stop looking at his pictures and reading old message threads. I should not be doing this. I know this. I know this. I know this.
He was by no means perfect and we weren’t an obvious match but there was always something about the way he followed my blood around. The most delicate and attentive man I know. He is this kind of human that evokes wonder but in all his glory, he was spineless. Still tethered to his mother’s tits. Noble in thought, weak in action. I pity him sometimes. I love him for all he is and for what he is not but he never dared to fight for us and our relationship which wasn’t “allowed” in his system. Bullshit. He never fought for us because he didn’t want to. I did not fit the criteria. My race was all wrong, this was something I later came to find out. It was never about religion. Of course he vehemently denied this.
He tells me these things, how he wishes more than anything he could be with me forever. How he wants to wake up next to me every morning, have children and how he loves me more than I know. All these declarations, I tuck them inside this heart of mine but does it even matter, he still left. I thought he would come after me when I broke up with him. I gave him an implicit ultimatum- and that is to give me more- I no longer wanted to hide, I wanted to be with him in the eyes of all but he never flinched and I was out the door. He still kept banging down my door, in secret of course. He gives the impression of a man backed into a corner, so he can fulfil his traditional parent’s wishes and marry someone of his own kind. They would disown him he said. What a fable. Spineless.
Today is our anniversary. I was overly emotional at first now just spacey. My stomach is detached from my mouth and appetite. I can eat and enjoy but I feel sick. I used an old lotion I used to apply when we were together and that was how the landslide started this morning. I went back to our Saturday afternoons.
Last night I felt uplifted, I jammed some old school rock, watched tv with my family, ate a healthy dinner, hydrated and felt clear headed after a day of fun filled bingeing and purging. For a moment I allowed myself to smile and laugh but it felt so forged, as though I was cheating on my grief.
The boyfriend and I had this… game that we played, we bought it a couple of months into the relationship and it became the activity that was central to our hanging out. A ritual of some sort. We even rushed all other activities when we hung out, even sex just so we could rush and indulge in the thing that we shared this mutual love for, we could talk for hours, never checked our phones, exchanged banter, he would be naked and I wrapped in a sheet, it was incredibly intimate and fun. He was my best friend and boyfriend at the same time.
Last night I asked him what he did with the.. game and he told me that he sold it just before he left and once again, I was hit in the face with the abrupt finality of it all. I swear I heard a gavel strike some hard wood, a door slamming shut and my stomach sank, hands weightless. I cried until my head was pounding and drifted off to sleep.
There are nights when I feel like I might not make it through the night, not because of anything I might do purposely but I feel as though my body will just fail me as I sleep and that will be the end of me. The end of our story- my multiple eating disorders and I. Tonight is one of those nights, I am so afraid of dying and I regret everything. I want to crawl back into my mother’s womb and start again. I feel ashamed and remorseful. I can’t contain myself, my emotions. I’m in bed and I can’t stop crying, the left side of my chest hurts and all I want is to not be alone. I have suffered from eating disorders for half of my life but now something has changed, before there was something teeming inside of my veins, a fire that burned inside of me but now I feel dead and that fire though still present has been reduced to a tiny spark, I’m all out of ideas.
Looking up it’s heart wrenching to see just how far I’ve fallen off the mountain. I’m a mess, my blood pressure must be so low because of the constant purging and that’s not doing my heart/organs any favours. My bag of tricks of crush diets, restriction rituals and all that other nonsense has run out. I’m a liar, a burden, a problem that needs fixing, lovable but you’ll find yourself exhausted from caring about me.
It’s not so bad when I get out of the car to grab a rose and smell it and somehow find an ounce of peace in all this turmoil.
I really have been trying to keep myself together… to reign it in and I’m doing better than I expected. I’m going through extreme post-exam anxiety, I keep recalling things in my head and the questions and how I answered them. Just when I think I’m over it it hits me like a wave and I start googling and going over my notes…. giving myself heart attacks, calculating the minimum exam mark I need so I can pass etc etc, it’s been a nightmare and I feel stuck and painfully in waiting.
Last Monday after my exam I had an anxiety attack in the bus, hot flashes and everything it was a real major episode and it shocked me into silence, I could only keep it to myself because if I were to tell someone I would not know where to start.
I have to believe and tell myself it’s going to be okay, I reached out to a classmate of mine who did the same courses as me and she said she was going through something similar so I feel less alone but it doesn’t lessen the severity of the anxiety. I just want to pass.
I don’t know why I’m carrying on this destructive path, I feel out of touch with my everyday emotions it’s as though I’m in this zone where it’s only just me and it’s quiet but also dangerous.
Only 2 days until exams start, I can’t stop bingeing and purging, my hands need something to do, I need release so I eat anything not nailed down then purge and repeat. It’s my way of coping with the stress but funny enough it does the opposite as it’s a time waster and exacerbates the stress and anxiety. In my heart I know I’ve read and know 90% of the theory, I’ve revised but I feel like I don’t know anything like I haven’t grasped any of the concepts and I fear failing so much because I don’t want to fail and waste money and time not to mention the humiliation.
Trying to take bite fulls of what I can actually chew but the perfectionist in me says it cannot be done. The clock is ticking (God it’s so loud) and I need to get a grip.
On the very first day of the year, I purged. I didn’t even binge, I just wanted it out. It’s funny how things never change but this is all on me. My knees are weak from purging but I will carry on, the purging has got to stop especially now. I can’t afford to be too run down to study, something has to give.
The festive season makes one lose track of the days of the week, well to be accurate the festive season is over and it’s back to normal. Exams end of the month and I am ricocheting between a state of readiness and absolute crippling terror. I have decided that it’s okay for me to be selfish this month, if I come across as distant and uninterested then too bad but I can’t let myself be distracted just because I want to hold on to someone and I don’t want them to lose interest in me. I can’t always be available.
1:22am, I swear there needs to be more hours in the day.