I am in bed having breakfast. Is this really me.
It is by no means adequate but I am eating nevertheless. The ED patterns are still evident. Dissecting a muffin and eating only the top part whilst leaving out the rest. This is very abnormal but it’s the only way I can do this eating and retaining food thing. I still feel embarrassed when someone looks at me whilst I am eating which is why in public I only consume fluids, less chance of looking like a greedy big hipped gal but eating is good an appetite is nothing to be ashamed of. This is something I need to change.
I still do buy secret food and eat it in my room. Biscuits, lollipops, ice cream. I get anxious if I don’t have a stash even if end up bingeing and purging it. At least I haven’t purged in days, yesterday was an exception, I needed that release and so I did.
I am contemplating eating cereal. I am going into dangerous territory. It’s only still 8am, I don’t wanna go off the edge now.
It’s actually hard to eat when someone is asking you endless questions “You are eating the whole portion right?” “Is it delicious” “Really” “So I should buy more of that” “What did you eat today” etc etc. It’s already hard enough eating AND eating in front of people, just please keep quiet and let me just eat. I hate feeling observed and inspected. Eating in front of people makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. I don’t know how to eat normally so I pace myself, 95% of the time I eat alone and it usually ends in a binge and purge. I don’t know any different.
Today was messy, haphazard snacking, a binge and purge some more snacking and purging… more snacking. I can smell vomit in my nose. I ate dinner, a delicious beef pie. It’s done, I will not be on my knees abusing myself…. not tonight.
Black Coffee, orange
Binge and purge
Post b/p A handful of popcorn and juice, white coffee
Boiled veggies and chicken, a tablespoon of rice
Juice and a handful of crisps.
Result = guilt and uncertainty
I can’t seem to escape the pit, I feel backed into a corner by all the foods that I’m supposed to eat and actually keep down. The notion of 3 meals and snacks fills me up with such dread, annoyance and makes me want to binge and purge. Harassed by this eating disorder, food is more terrifying. It has now become a different type of enemy. It was easier the first few days because I was in shock from being told I had become anorexic again, I still had that fear that impelled me to want to change but now it’s been a week and I feel the food is piling on in my body if I keep eating, piling on, stuck in my gut and under my flesh. I feel twitchy after eating… Crazed almost, some sort of emergency, that overwhelming discomfort and regret, that misery. It’s not going to be easy but I have to try.
I feel too fragile for the world, too weary, too far gone. If I can forge through the fog in my head and rid of the weariness in my bones, I could achieve some things. I am not even a pessimist anymore, I no longer give anything any thought. I just want to be, to sit still and be. No, not sit still no, I just want to collapse into a heap and be left alone.
Christmas came and went and for the first time in years I was emotionally present, when I said merry Christmas I meant it and felt it unlike the previous years when it was something that just spilled out of my mouth without any sincerity attached to it.
Old habits die hard, my attempts to eat a plate of food in front of family was nothing short of pathetic but that’s alright. I of course binged and purged in private and binged some more on ice cream and pies, like I said old habits die hard. Despite of all that it has been a great couple of days, my heart was filled with warmth and that spirit of giving. I laughed, conversed and got out of the house, like some type of real person.
Tomorrow the studying resumes and I pray to God my knees won’t get weak and fail me when I am so close to the finish line. I have always been a slave to the finish line.
Stepping on a scale before deciding whether I’m worthy of my dinner or not, I feel ill… got a stomach ache from this week’s incessant purging, nauseous and in need of something salty. I know not having a proper dinner will only end up driving me insane from weird cravings later.
My brother is cooking and the fusion of food smells is driving me crazy and not in a good way.
Fuck it, I’ll eat a pastry thingy… I won’t die and my waistline won’t expand overnight.
Struggling to get out of bed, granted it’s only 7:30am but my bones are so weak. Christmas is almost here and I am so behind with my studies I can feel the anxiety taking over like I will spontaneously combust at any moment.
My family including my aunts and cousins are planning to go away for a road trip for Christmas not anything major just somewhere fun and inexpensive. I am looking forward to it but there’s always that bit of anxiety and that panic over what I’ll wear to hide my body and what food I’ll have to eat. I’m not completely a helpless baby anymore when it comes to my ED, whenever I go somewhere if there aren’t any safe foods for me I suck it up, by either eating a quarter of the food or turning my nose up at everything. I don’t whine about it to whoever is with me or cry about it. I quietly deal with it, I am gifted at carefully managing my pain/worry in front of the masses. I wear a good mask that fits firmly. I have been disordered for 10+ years I get that some people may be “over” my eating disorder, I gather it’s just a matter of “well at least she’s still alive” to them. Sometimes when I am with my mum she sees I’m uncomfortable and she simply pushes the plate and away from me in a way you can say she’s “enabling me” but it’s just that SHE KNOWS.
I hope our trip will be successful and this Christmas will be different.
Tonight I said to hell with it and I ate a proper dinner since Wednesday night and it tasted great. I am fed and full but oh so empty & weightless. Where there was once a heaviness in my chest has been replaced by unfeeling, I used to cry out about this sensation were what occupied my chest would reverberate endlessly as if the contents would spill out and I would completely shatter and never recover but now all there is silence and silence does not mean peace.
Yesterday afternoon I came undone, crying until I smudged my perfectly winged water proof eyeliner. Rocking back and forth holding my chest as though I was performing this gut wrenching scene in a drama, only it was real and I found myself questioning my existence and why it is so that my will is strong but why can’t I find a way.
It wasn’t all misery this weekend, I repressed, laughed, talked and engaged with people. I tried. It’s just that the bad obscured the good and here I am ending the day on a low note.
I am thankful for my mum and brother as well as certain people who came into my life when they did (as if someone sent them to me) without them I don’t even want to think what might have happened.