The year is over

I am on the sofa, too pathetic… too lonely to go out and celebrate new years eve. It’s exactly 30 minutes before the year is officially over. I woke up in a state of sheer panic, like how much can you cram into one day before its all over. I am ready to see 2014 go but I needed at least 10 more days to mentally prepare myself it’s as though new years eve has been sprung on me.

I hear people talking about resolutions and how their hope is suddenly renewed towards the end of December, I honestly make it a point to enter the new year with no promises given nothing is in my hands at present, I’ve done all I can now I need to find that door I’m always talking about. I can’t help but feel that I am way past realignment, all the parts of me need a major overhaul.

Reflecting back on 2014 I tremble, I swam the darkest blue and I reached the very end of my rope and when I tried to tie a knot and hold on I realised the rope was around my neck. Depression knows no bounds, bipolar sneaks up on you always. I don’t know if I am tough as nails as I thought I was, I’m just simply swimming against the current unaware of my own strength or lack thereof.

Bulimia ran terror over all the aspects of my life especially the second half of this year. Nothing has changed but I have, I am more calmer when dealing with people who wrong me. I no longer see the point in wanting to have the last say or to be the one who attacks with words laced in venom so I can see them hurt, I don’t care about that anymore.

I am still sad, lord knows I am. My heart is heavy with burden and I can only drown my screams with silence hoping that soon something will happen, I have been standing at the train station waiting for an airplane all my life.. To what end?! This waiting, when does it stop and is it ever going to be enough… This determination is being put to waste.

I can never be a ray of sunshine, which is why I push people away. I can never stand in their light, ashamed of my darkness.

Enough.

2015 looks like staring into an endless chasm in the sense that I have no clue what’s in store. One step at a time and steering away from the edges of cliffs. I will try to have the heart not to let this go.

Reflection

It’s a few hours before my birthday and it feels like the countdown to doomsday. I always use this day to reflect on what has happened during the past 12 months and every year it’s always the same bundle of issues but this year though one thing has changed and that is the way I am more open to the world around me, I am still closed off and more guarded than most but if I summon enough courage I am not as afraid of diving in as I was before.

Bulimia has been the worst it has ever been in a long time and I have become more efficient in being disordered, I am fearless and it’s this unbridled bingeing-purging frenzy and I don’t know where this new upgraded version of this disorder came from. I am 2 days binge and purge free and that is an accomplishment.

My mum asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I could not for the life of me figure out what it is that I want, you see acquiring material possessions does not excite me anymore because all I want in life at this stage is an experience. I used to get so excited over buying that new phone with a massive screen or those sick boots but now it does not enhance my emotional well being in any way. I have grown apathetic towards things that used to fill me with happiness even if it was short-lived. This is because I want one thing in life and one thing only and that is to create a life for myself somewhere far away from here, so anything else that might seem great I have no interest and I can’t shake off that feeling.
I am unmoved by the things that ought to induce well-being or even real joy but shaken and stirred by the things that bring sadness, it’s a though my brain is in self-destruct mode.

I am not interested in the joy that might come from taking the path life is pushing me into, a path I did not intend on taking because I feel that joy will not be real or it will be a certain kind of joy though genuine it will not be fit for me, I want to take the path that is in my head, the one that I truly intend on taking and what happiness will come will be real because it will be what I intended. What I envisioned.

I don’t know what the plans for tomorrow will be, I don’t want to make a big deal out of it… I just want for it to be acknowledged and for people to make the right amount of fuss, enough to make it feel like a different day but not so much it starts making me sad. 23. Turning 23 I can’t believe it but I feel calmer than I was last year.

It’s getting harder

sigh.

It’s getting harder to carry on, I am not living and feel like I am merely riding it out for the sake of my family- this is who I am now, I am so ashamed.

A year ago if you would have told me that a year later I would be feeling this way, that it would be this bad and I’d be this sad weak person, I wouldn’t have believed it. All the emotions are so intense and more unbearable than before, I can’t stop crying and sleep is my bestfriend.

I feel as though I have been seeking answers all this time and now that I know the answers I wish I had stop digging because the truth and reality are so cruel. I wish I had remained ignorant of this hurt, I wish I had been complacent maybe if I didn’t want to be more, to be different & be what is authentically me I wouldn’t have suffered. Maybe if I hadn’t dreamed so big and instead just slipped into an insignificant existence I wouldn’t have gotten my heart broken when it all didn’t fall into place. I did slip into an insignificant.miserable existence, I literally woke up a year later only to realise that I have become who I never thought I’d be, the truth is a bitter pill I don’t think I can swallow. I don’t know what to do and there’s since sense of urgency that just consumes me, like time is running out.

I know I am young and should remain hopeful but I just can’t see any change past this state I am in.

Courage

I have grown weary of acting like I am above everything when in actual fact it’s courage that I lack which prevents me from participating in life. I can’t seem to get past everything and just live my life. I am fixed on something… an unhealthy mindset, I have the ability to just take a massive leap and move forward but I can’t. If I am to be incredibly ridiculous I can say that maybe there’s an invisible sinister force holding me back but I like to take accountability for my actions or lack thereof.

I was watching this religious channel the other day and this woman was preaching about how there are some people who live in a town of worry and negativity and that it was now time to come out of that town. That sermon resonated with me on so many levels, that’s me right there she was talking about. I wish I had my mum’s faith, she has faith that can move mountains, faith in God, faith in her children and faith that my future won’t be bleak as I strongly believe/fear it will be.

It’s freezing inside but even I, the queen of gloom (as my brother jokingly calls me) can admit that it’s a beautiful day out, the sun is shining just right… not too warm. Maybe I’ll pop outside for a bit.

Saturday, not so bad

Saturday, not so bad.

I went to a wedding today, it was a relative from my mum’s side whom I have never met but I went anyway because I didn’t feel like staying at home on my own all day with nothing to do. When we got there I couldn’t find anywhere to sit but my mum did since she had rsvp’d so I ended up being squeezed in on some table and I was sitting with people I didn’t know at all… Mostly old folks and they kept smiling at me like who are you. It was one of those situations were your mum eventually introduces you and everyone gasps saying they didn’t recognise you since they last saw you when you were a kid.

The bride was young probably around 25, the groom had a goatie..ew. Anyway seeing the bride and groom dance I found myself smiling and thinking how amazing it must be to find a great guy then eventually get married and celebrate with all your loved ones. I definitely felt that “twinge” that feeling you get when you witness something and you know you would want something like that for yourself in the future.

The drive back home felt shorter, it’s true what they say if you’re driving somewhere you’ve never been before the journey seems longer but when you’re coming back from that journey it feels shorter. The best part about going somewhere with mum is the gossip on the way back home, Me : “omg did you see how hideous that cake was” Mum: oh my lord I saw, it was something else.. it looked like mud” *roars of laughter*

At least I got out of the house today, feels good to not always be at home. I realised that I don’t have classy looking clothes to wear on special events, my wardrobe is full of t-shirts, jeans and leggings and I don’t have a classy pair of shoes only have converses, boots and like a pair of pumps. I definitely need something less tomboyish. I wore doc martens and a plaid tunic with leggings to a wedding huh! Must buy a classy dress for when I have to go to one of these things again.

One of those days

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” – Socrates

-I don’t think I will ever change

I haven’t been really paying an obsessive amount of attention on my weight for the past few days, I ate when I felt hungry and slipped up and binged then purged but I am trying to learn to not let thoughts of food control me but it’s so hard. Today the restriction was so severe I couldn’t even bring myself to eat a few slices of pineapple, I just drank litres of sugar free fizzy drinks. I took something last night and so I woke up at noon today, the drowsiness hasn’t worn off but I am happy I got to watch 3 episodes of the vampire diaries, that series always cheers me up.

I just remembered that when I was about 19 years old I used to sleep all day by taking anything that could knock me out for hours the day after my scheduled binges, so day 1 of restriction was always so successful.

I haven’t properly studied in 2 weeks, I can’t concentrate it’s maddening but at the same time I don’t think I care anymore. I know I still do care but it all seems different this time ’round, I have lost motivation because I am too scared of failing so I’d rather just not touch my textbooks or engage in revision groups with others. In other words I am struggling to get my head in the game, it’s only march and the semester will only end in late May and then after that I have reports due in mid June so I won’t have time to catch my breath. Even now I have a lot of stuff due and instead of working my butt off I’d rather bite my nails and worry about the fact that I have stuff due than actually start doing it, I don’t understand myself sometimes.

I feel like I am on a race and I am chasing my future self, the person I envision myself to be but I worry if I make mistakes ie failing subjects now then I will never catch up with my future self and I’d end up trailing behind forever in the middle of nowhere.