February

I am employed now, I teach business and it is very fulfilling. It doesn’t feel like work. It keeps my mind occupied and updated as I am teaching what I studied.  Mornings are ruthless, not enough sleep, that feeling of terror as soon as I open my eyes, not adequately prepared, the list is endless. I always manage, somehow, from Monday to Friday. I am always on the Go. Finish work, go home and then leave again so I can see him.
The boyfriend is still here, his departure dates have been pushed back, I’m ecstatic, and we get more time to indulge in each other’s company. Things are steady, neither one of us is going anywhere but we have reached some kind of plateau where everything else has been done, except sex.

 We discuss at length, I am afraid to do it because I will get attached and he is leaving, this is when I start to notice an imbalance in our adoration for the other, I think I may care more for him  and I take this more seriously than he does. I choke it off as him being a typical guy who cannot articulate his feelings. 

After several fights and disagreements and me convincing myself that he is the one that I have to do this with. He tells me he loves me (perfect timing) I am suspicious but I have always held back so I decide to trust, I give him my virginity. I want to at this point. Some few days before Valentine’s Day, it was done. God forgive me but I expected something grander and when it was over normalcy resumed. I felt fine, no tears or emotions. Just fine. 

We become nymphomaniacs, it’s as though I am having sex sorely because I have gotten on the train already so why get off, no difference would be made. I don’t feel like I am doing anything right or wrong. I am dead inside actually. On autopilot. A few tears are shed, i gave it all to someone who is leaving and someone who keeps our relationship a secret. He is leaving to start a whole new life out there, I definitely resent him for this. 

I will never read the word leaving the same way again. It evokes these tremendously dark feelings under my skin and in my bones. No word has ever been more sadder and powerful. 

He then proceeds to ditch plans with me so casually on Valentine’s Day and went hiking with his boys, no remorse… I was crushed. I go to the movies alone, binged in the movie then purged in a potato chips bag on my seat in the movie, I stoop that low and that results in me having vomit on the side of my dress as I rush to the loo with these lovey dovey couples ogling at me, what a low point.

I feel not appreciated in this relationship, these ‘cultural reasons” why we cannot be together in the open are starting to weigh on me, I feel bound by the monotonous nature this whole thing has become, we go to the same place every weekday and the weekend we go another same place, he doesn’t make effort to sweep me off my feet. I am not demanding or materialistic, his presence is enough but I feel taken for granted and used. Cheap.

Time staggers on…. February comes and goes.