My stomach is in pain, a deep pain that feels like my insides have been beaten and stomped on. Purging an average of 7 times per day is wrecking more havoc on my body, I can sense an oncoming final binge and purge that will change everything. An event or some fictitious happy ending that will be so life altering I’ll completely change my ways. On the other hand it feels like I’ve given up and I’m just drifting in whichever direction the wind is blowing.
I quit the part time promo job because it wasn’t serving any purpose in my life and instead it was draining me of funds I didn’t have because the pay was ridiculously low. I didn’t work there for long but I have lacked purpose for 2 weeks since quitting. It was better when I had somewhere to be which meant less time with ED, I worked nights in a tiny uniform in heels in the freezing cold,I got diagnosed with anorexia again and it’s not exactly easy to work when you’re shivering and having heart palpitations, my blood pressure is always dangerously low and with that comes a load of health issues and in the end I wasn’t physically strong enough. That’s done, water under the bridge. Another opportunity stolen by ED and perhaps my nature of always having excuses.
I can feel it today sitting heavily on my chest, the despondency. I didn’t have the distraction of work, the commuting to and fro. It was just me, dwelling on my insignificance and oh the bingeing and purging. I do self destruction well, like an innate skill of some sort. The sound of my voice is making my irritation is apparent but I feel so small, some dulled voice whispering in the distance. I could burst into tears at any moment but I would have an audience, I don’t like to be vulnerable.
Work is stressful, the salary is peanuts, if I subtract bus fare and all I’m basically running a deficit and my boss LOVES me but I want to quit because I feel like a cog in a machine, a means to her ends and the lot of them… Whoever they are. $20 a week? I know this job is not in the field of what I studied at university its a modelling promo thing but I can’t help but feel I deserve more and I do. There is starting somewhere, humble beginnings and all then there’s scraping the bottom of the barrel and robbing myself of a chance at getting a better job that could help me rise out of my circumstances but what if this job is a stepping stone. I’m confused. I’ll wait for it to pass/change but in this moment disappearing without a trace would be splendid.
The thing with broken dreams is that it hurts a little less each day but there are always those moments when you feel it all at once and your chest gets heavy and you feel like something is sitting on top of your lungs… you cry or don’t cry but the feeling is there, it’s there and it feels as though it will always remain with you.
A friend asked me today if I still was going ahead with my plans to study abroad and I just found myself aching over what never was. Last year I applied to study farther, I was supposed to study an MSc in business administration abroad, I got in and I found myself picturing this future that I thought would soon be mine but I was wrong. I thought I had found my “in” the doors had opened and I was leaving this god forsaken place but fate had other plans. The costs accumulated, tuition as an international student, accommodation, visa and a host of other items to the point that we couldn’t afford it… I refused to be selfish and put my mum through the stress of paying for more tuition when she had slaved to put me through undergrad, I myself have no money and no job and so just like that my dreams flew away.
I ended up enrolling for the programme that I am doing now which is a grad program but it isn’t an MSc but more like a gateway to an MSc this would have been avoided if I could afford the places I got into to which is why I am can’t focus fully on my studies- I was never supposed to navigate this particular curve I guess I should at least be thankful but that one ticket out of here I had gotten is gone now. It’s not too late, I could work and save up but I am so demotivated. Now is not the time to give up, what I decide right now will shape my future and whether my dreams will come true or not.. of that I’m sure. I have to find that determination buried somewhere within me.
Tonight I am not sad not happy either, just wandering around the house like a ghost. I woke up with no purpose and so my day has been without purpose as well. Unlike the past few months,this time I am trying, truly.
I just woke up today and said you know what? I have to finish what I started and so I did. I went to the assistant job and I worked my arse off the whole day and night running up and down together with everyone that was on the team. Today was the finale so it’s all over and although I missed some days I’m glad I summoned up the courage to go today.
Of course I felt self-concious wearing motorcycle boots, jeans and a t-shirt while the guest were wearing gorgeous gowns but I quickly reminded myself that I was there to work and I wasn’t a guest- this wasn’t my night to shine and look glamorous but instead a night for me to let go of my inhibitions. I smiled inside when I realised that I was actually there, in the flesh.. part of something that is bigger than the sum of it’s parts.
After organising the chairs and tables, carrying refreshments, I ushered people in and guarded the reserved front row seats with my life like I had been instructed by our very co-ordination passionate supervisor. I didn’t stay for long after the event commenced because it was pointless just standing around at the back of the room, besides I would have ended up being roped into the clean up duties. I said my goodbyes to people who I have surprisingly grown attached to over a short period of time and headed home.
I am not the same person I was, I have been changed. In August I reached the end of my rope and it was very hard to breath. Thoughts of deaths weren’t uncommon, it’s all I thought of… I wanted to end it all. I promised myself that if I make out of this hole alive I would make the changes (no matter how insignificant) in my life that need to be done. I am afraid though, what comes after this? I am still too emotionally weak to not consider the possibility of falling back down into the hole but I will hold on… greet my teeth and wait.
I have been extremely busy since Saturday, the prep for the fashion show on which I am an assistant on has been well underway since the weekend and I have been running up and down. Using public transportation definitely isn’t helping since by the time we call it a day I’ll be so exhausted and then I have to walk all the way to the station. This job is not what I had in mind and I feel used in the sense that we are not getting paid actual cash (I knew that from the start) but food is provided and on the days of the fashion shows we get free passes to the venue and all the other stuff. I don’t care about the food and I really can’t be bothered about the free passes so what am I fighting for? At first I knew exactly why I was going- to meet new people and to have an experience but right now I am asking myself this- I take a lot of pills (ibuprofen and panado) just to get through the day and I know now that the reason why I wanted to take part in this is no longer valid, so again what am I fighting for?
I have decided that I am done, so done. It’s sad you know because I wanted to finish what I started, I signed a contract that said I would avail myself until the 29 of September and I wanted to keep my word… to be professional and to be one who is capable of enduring but I can’t go on. I highly doubt they will show up at my gate and drag me by my hair just because I signed a contract, a part of me still wants it that part that says you’re missing out and it will get better but a huge part of me wants nothing to do with it anymore, that’s the part of me that I hate- quit at the slight feeling of discomfort.
Sifting through the negative thoughts and digging for positives, I have to remind myself that a year ago I didn’t have the guts to go as far as I have. I met some amazing young people like me, I established some connections and if a job of this nature surfaces & one that actually pays, the first one to hear about it will contact everyone. It’s great when you’re young and you can have your pick at part time (usually 2 weeks) jobs where you work and get paid and you spend it on whatever because you don’t have a family to feed or have any real responsibilities- I’m thankful for that.
Because of this decision I have made, I can’t help but feel sad because I have just voluntarily slipped back into the tyranny of the mundane and that’s where the depression violently wakes.
Everything went from “maybe we’ll call you” to actually getting the phone call so Friday is the day of the interview at 8am sharp. I’ve only ever been to one job interview, most of the numerous job applications I have sent have never gotten to the interview stage so I have no experience with that stuff but something tells me I’ll be okay. If I dress well, present myself with class then the rest is up to whether it’s meant to be or not. You really can’t dwell on these things.
I must confess before this in terms of applying for jobs I didn’t want to want it because wanting is dangerous if it doesn’t go well but now I genuinely want it, it’s time for me to bust my arse off like everyone else. If you put yourself in a mind frame of not wanting anything because of fear of the unknown then surely you won’t get anything. The situation at home isn’t ideal like it always is, I don’t want to go down with this ship so I have to get out. There is no fighting or epic arguments but just this miserable atmosphere and you know an absence of war does not mean peace.
A job to me isn’t just a job it means a much needed shift in many aspects of my disordered life (eating disorders breed on routine) and opening of doors, meeting new people and (it makes me cringe when people say this) living in the real world. I am opening up myself up to a possibility and in this moment I have belief in the certainty of it all coming to pass. Maybe I am an optimist in denial but I highly doubt it, optimism – now that’s one terrifying word.
I might be getting a phone call for a job interview between Wednesday and Thursday, the organization is kind of a big deal… well to me anyway. I should be excited and/or nervous but I am not, instead I’m dreading seeing myself literally ooze out of my pencil skirt. Then there’s the will I be able to cope starting a job now while I’m entering the most crucial months of my program I have exams soon & a draining research project to finalize. I’ve done this dance before, the worrying and the fear but all times I ended up not getting the job.
I’m itching for change, I have been for a while. Actually I’m crying out for change but now there is the possibility of change happening the familiar suddenly seems safer and not that bad but then I remember the state I was in last week and I am reminded that I need to embrace the change.
In my heart there’s still this sadness cemented in there, a void that I hope can be filled. My biggest nightmare is waking up one day and realising that there is nothing that can ever feel the void. I am okay today, yesterday I was too I might have shed a tear or two but I could manage.
This week I found a faint silver lining behind a cloud and it’s not long till it disappears. I don’t want to be this person who can’t get out of bed and won’t stop crying for two weeks then recovers for the next two weeks only to repeat it all again.