I could not write for the majority of this week, mornings are brutal. They start of with a severe panic attack, reminders and this heavy emptiness. I can feel the emptiness in my hands as though I lost something so fundamental to my existence. I don’t know what to do.
I am still bloated with disappointment and hurt that won’t leave my veins. My soul is disturbed. It has been a trying week. I keep retracing back to how and when it all fell apart. I am shocked how someone can love you and seem sacrificial one minute and then abandon you like that and never look back. I am humiliated for putting myself and this fragile heart of mine on the line, I feel disposable and ruined. Tell me how I can rationalise these unfortunate events. Tell me how.
This is the day I fell apart. Unreservedly.
I woke in the morning with this feeling of emergency in my whole being. As though it was imperative to exit my body. I wanted to throw my life into the hands of another, but who… when I walk this path alone now. I had failed. Defeated by my own wild un-containable emotions. I had not eaten for days, my mouth was dry, brain foggy. My body was shutting down.
It became a matter of life and death so I left my house and got the help, I felt I needed at that point in time.
I woke up the same, churning in turmoil. The morning collapse. It sits in my arms and chest cavity, It tingles in my fingers, I think. It waits in the night and when morning comes, it awakens. There is hollow then there is this. It is wordless, really.
The way what is inhabiting my belly refuses to cease to disturb, the retracing, the what’s the use. OMG.
My soul is troubled and so is my blood.
I can feel the pain in every region of my faculties.
I feel like something is wearing my body.
I woke up with this ominous presence rising in my heart. My stomach feels as though it wants to exit my body. I want to throw up my guts. All my body can do is shake, these sensations circulate in waves throughout my body.
23:00- I finally cry. I finally eat.. something. I am trying to find the anchor in others however, I am too arrested in my sorrow, disappointment and shock.
I wake up calmer. It creeps in, the emptiness, the terror. Is it acid coursing through my veins.
I eat. I feel sick. Numb. Abandoned. Confused. Shocked.
23:16: Still calm, in fear of when the collapse rears it’s ugly head.
This is the night the bottom was ripped from underneath me. Everything I built my hopes and life on shattered. My hands are weak with helplessness and this sense of emergency. I cannot contain myself. I cannot contain this nightmare.
There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I am still awake, taking comfort in food and purging. On autopilot. I feel like an animal. I have this astonishing ability to taint what would have been a good day with my unending misery inducing habits.
Food haunts me. I can’t stop.