I don’t know why I’m carrying on this destructive path, I feel out of touch with my everyday emotions it’s as though I’m in this zone where it’s only just me and it’s quiet but also dangerous.
Only 2 days until exams start, I can’t stop bingeing and purging, my hands need something to do, I need release so I eat anything not nailed down then purge and repeat. It’s my way of coping with the stress but funny enough it does the opposite as it’s a time waster and exacerbates the stress and anxiety. In my heart I know I’ve read and know 90% of the theory, I’ve revised but I feel like I don’t know anything like I haven’t grasped any of the concepts and I fear failing so much because I don’t want to fail and waste money and time not to mention the humiliation.
Trying to take bite fulls of what I can actually chew but the perfectionist in me says it cannot be done. The clock is ticking (God it’s so loud) and I need to get a grip.
Tonight I said to hell with it and I ate a proper dinner since Wednesday night and it tasted great. I am fed and full but oh so empty & weightless. Where there was once a heaviness in my chest has been replaced by unfeeling, I used to cry out about this sensation were what occupied my chest would reverberate endlessly as if the contents would spill out and I would completely shatter and never recover but now all there is silence and silence does not mean peace.
Yesterday afternoon I came undone, crying until I smudged my perfectly winged water proof eyeliner. Rocking back and forth holding my chest as though I was performing this gut wrenching scene in a drama, only it was real and I found myself questioning my existence and why it is so that my will is strong but why can’t I find a way.
It wasn’t all misery this weekend, I repressed, laughed, talked and engaged with people. I tried. It’s just that the bad obscured the good and here I am ending the day on a low note.
I am thankful for my mum and brother as well as certain people who came into my life when they did (as if someone sent them to me) without them I don’t even want to think what might have happened.
This week has gone by so fast, I really haven’t had time to over think until today. Last night I felt something different in my mood, I felt this shift… a slight change of the winds and for minute I got this overwhelming feeling of it’s going to be okay. I could feel in my fingers and toes. I laughed with my whole body, I was me.
This woke up full of bundles of drive, roaring with motivation but sometime around noon that feeling went away and now I feel robbed.
I am attending two weddings on Saturday and the anticipation to be part of something other than this self absorbed nightmare I live is the only thing keeping me afloat, maybe I’ll buy a dress tomorrow… something puffy and forgiving.
Dinner-eaten. Birthday cake- scoffed. Lips shimmering from the butter scotch icing, I feel icky & undisciplined. An animal. It is all sitting in my gut, this heavy weight and I can’t stop sipping on this coffee worsening this state, I need release. I need it bad but NO, not today. I can live with all this food in me.
There were no tears today just sadness. My family did all they could to cheer me up but over the years it’s like we’ve come to a complicit understanding and that is for them to not take it personally and not to ask what’s wrong when I am having the birthday blues. It’s pathetic on my part for everyone walking on eggshells around me then saying something in the distance in the hope that maybe that’ll be the thing that will pull me out of this desolate state.
It’s almost 8pm and pondering everything but I am OKAY, truly. I’m comfortably numb.
My dog died and I wasn’t even moved, am I repressing the emotions for later..
I don’t know, what I do know is that it has gotten to this point where nothing bad shocks me because it’s become the norm. I was sprawled out on the floor this afternoon, feeling the coolness of the ceramic tiles then I started crying not just shedding a tear or two but I just in the same manner I did back in August, the lowest point I have ever been with regards to depression. I felt so weightless in my grief like my hands were made of paper and it was though gravity had lost it’s grip literally and metaphorically. I cried the way a child would cry out for their mother only it was stifled, I didn’t make a sound.
Now I’m here it’s past midnight and my thoughts have gone to sleep, all that torments me isn’t in my head tonight… my demons have gone out for the night it seems.
I must say, I really appreciate sport in the way watching it can be such an escape though temporary, the high you when watching your team play is unlike any feeling you could ever feel. Tonight was one of those nights and it was amazing, during those few hours I don’t have an eating disorder, crippling depression and anxiety instead I am just a normal person watching sport and screaming at the tv, I am happy- the version of me that escapes me when those few hours are over and I have to snap back to reality.
I love to seek laughter, which is a normal trait but sometimes I seek it too much. Everything has to be funny we must keep laughing, say something funny, have we run out of funny things to talk about, let’s laugh forever perhaps it’ll shield us from the ever present sadness.. numb us and we will forever be oblivious to it. I have the ability to laugh at myself and to find humour in tragedy and I if ever lose that ability then I don’t know how I will be able to carry on. It’s either I am laughing about nonsense with a voice so loud or I am at the bottom of the blackest hole in silence-there is no in between.
I have been doing a great job at hiding just how down in the dumps I am but lately you can see it in my eyes. It takes you back, to see that sadness and brokenness in your own eyes and not knowing what will mend it. I am getting better, it’s like pulling teeth… the concept of hope, I envy those who have a little bit of it and I am shocked by those who have it in abundance.
Feel like all that I am is hanging by a thread, I have been on a bingeing and purging rampage this past week and this is the part where I completely come undone.
The ones I care about are breaking and bending….
My brother, the one person I can count on definitely has a drinking problem. It’s no longer something we can deny or try to lessen it by saying he’s a 26 year old guy who loves to drink with his buddies, he goes to work drunk and comes back home buzzed and then starts heavily drinking again and I am so disappointed in him. We have our own vices, mine is bingeing and purging his is alcohol. My mum is the one who has to look on while her children get consumed by these relentless demons and she prays, fasts and hopes with her anointing oil and the all night prayers she attends but we are too far gone. Mum works crazy long hours, I can’t even get a job I feel like a burden, a parasite, this thing that she gave birth to that won’t stop sucking out the life out of her but lord knows I am trying to make something of myself, the intentions are there, the need but I can’t seem to find my way out of this blinding forest so I can march towards my destiny.
It’s just so sad the way we are crumbling and things just don’t work out for us, we are not just sitting and complaining and acting helpless but it’s always pouring and the doors just aren’t opening, we have been knocking for years. I can’t believe this, looking at pictures of my brother and I when we were young and recalling the few but happy childhood memories it feels my heart with this unbearable ache, I can’t even cry… what would I start crying about, there are just so many things. My brother and I have always been a team, there is just something special about the silent pact that siblings have the one where you’ll always have each other’s backs.
We are cemented in this existence, I am ashamed to say that I am ashamed of who have become.