I woke this morning to a bleeding mouth, with blood oozing out of the perforated roof of my mouth a few centimetres away from my throat. I spat, gargled, silently panicked and applied salt to the wound and waited and waited till it subsided. There is a hole in my mouth, I feel damaged and defeated.
I have binged and purged an average of 6 times a week for the past 6 months, I don’t know any different. I am still unemployed, I spend the day dangling on the edge and by the time late noon arrives I give in. The binges are much more frenzied, much bigger and the purges are more violent hence the way my mouth, throat and my very being is disintegrating.
I have stopped by to read some blog post here and there, I had forgotten how it feels like home here, there’s this level of familiarity, this rawness that one cannot find anywhere… The struggle we share. I haven’t typed on a keyboard the way I’m doing now, I cannot concentrate my mind is always preoccupied and my bones are restless, watching a movie has become a thing of the past. I am so drained of electrolytes, life and variety so much so lucidity has become a thing of the past. I also seem to have flushed down my ambition down the toilet along with the regurgitated food that is meant to nourish my body.
I simultaneously care and do not care, it’s a delicate balance between having a steadfast grip or fucking it all up anyway. In the constant struggle of standing or moving, doing and the feeble attempts at self-restraint.. I, have forgotten what I was trying to do.
My social life has bloomed in proportion to the manner in which I have been relapsing. It’s hard to fathom, how it can be so. I go out and socialise but it’s always to a minimum and I like my parties/events few and far in between but that’s a start. I haven’t been able to drink alcohol though, I just cannot stomach it, maybe subconsciously it’s tied to my eating disorder.
I’m sort of talking to a man 9 years my senior, he’s the funniest I have ever known. It’s probably not going to go anywhere since he’s only in the country for a few months, I’ll just enjoy the conversations because his presence has been good for my soul.
I’m restricting, like always, I don’t know the way forward. I’m just going to follow this path that carved for myself. The most important thing though is that I have, by any means necessary have to stop purging.