We will always be haunted

I genuinely think that those people with eating disorders like myself will never (fully) recover, the optimistic side of me wants to believe that it is possible to recover it CAN be done but we are so entrenched in these disordered thoughts it’s hard to get back to a normal state… if you were ever in that state to begin with. If you have had an eating since you were a child you really don’t know what normal is your habits have become so embedded in your brain, of course you might know the required calorie intake that is recommended for you but it’s all very alien and it’s not about food it’s about much more at the core than just inability to eat a meal or mere vanity.

I hate to say this but I am jealous of people whose eating disorders started in their late teens to early twenties or even later in life because I think they enjoyed their teen years, they had a childhood without an eating disorder of any sort having a tight grip on them, I never had that because at aged 8 I was already skipping meals and taking herbal supplements to lose weight it wasn’t until the age of 10 when my diets became too extreme I was extremely thin but it was at about age 13 I developed anorexia. I never got the chance to eat birthday cake, eat sweets like a normal kid without feeling guilty. I never swam during swimming time in primary school because I was conscious about my body and that is the reason why to this day I can’t swim. I believe I was born with a predisposition to have an eating disorder but I wish it could have given me a break at least it could have given me the chance to be a kid.

I do not mean to say my situation is worse than those who developed an eating disorder later in life or lessen their disorder into something less serious because it’s not, even if a person has had an ED for six months, a year or ten years the effects are the same…the patterns. It might manifest itself differently in each person but the demon(s) we are all fighting is the same. I am probably the text book case of the anorexic/bulimic if you pick up a book that describes the eating disorder sufferer then you now know me in terms of the ED aspect. I envy people who are aware of what they look like, body dysmorphia is terrible because I don’t perceive myself the way others do and that is frustrating. If I am very emaciated at that particular time I would want to be able to recognize it, there are some sufferers who can recognize it when they are actually underweight. In my 10+ years of suffering even in the depths of anorexia I feel like I have stayed the same weight I’ve never felt skinny enough (do we ever?) but obviously that is not the case because they kept/keep telling me I need to gain weight.

Eating is a simple act if you really think about it, you eat what you want till you’re full then you go about doing other things right? I wouldn’t know. It all sounds great in theory doesn’t it but in practice it is impossible. You eat breakfast and instead of getting over it you obsess on why you ate it then you feel obese and you think well I might as well eat everything since I’ve gone this far then you surfeit yourself and you regret it and think I should have stopped eating after I had that breakfast that now seems normal as compared to what you have devoured.

Today I woke up feeling sick then out of the blue – like always- I found myself tucking into some cereal, crisps, a piece of chocolate, a cup of tea and 2 biscuits oh and ice cream why I ate that I have no clue. I then tried to purge but it was one of those unsuccessful purges… just a bit of the food came out I tried for almost an hour and… nothing. Now I am going through the motions of post binge guilt, I am frustrated with myself for being on a 3 day binge and not that much of purging. The scare I had on Tuesday when my heart was beating weirdly brought this on. I am trying to compensate for feeling guilty about not eating much lately by stuffing my face then trying to purge… My thought process for a – lack of a better word is – fucked.

To recover I am going to have to get locked up in a room and get fed normal meals at regular intervals for the rest of my life but that is unrealistic and undesirable anyway. I am certain those who recover will always have their ED hovering around them I suppose the loud voices of an ED never disappear but they will always be present in the form of silent whispers. I am amazed by people who say they have recovered but they look slim, is that even possible. The reason why I sometimes hold on to any one of my EDs is because recovery scares me, what if I go off the rails and balloon up and get fat, yes I admit I do hold on to my EDs and they hold on to me as well, the serenity that starving myself and seeing hip bones is something to cherish but at the same time I want to be free.

“Do not give up otherwise you’ll never know what you could have become” that is a quote to live by isn’t it but some battles are so difficult to not (want) give up on. My only hope right now isn’t recovery I want to get to a place where my EDs are manageable and not completely affecting every aspect of my life, once I get there I’ll then aim for recovery… baby steps. It is crazy and I would never say this to anyone but sometimes I think having a baby is the thing that’ll save me from my EDs maybe if I had someone who depended on me I would want to recover for him/her. It sounds crazy I know actually it IS crazy, no one and nothing can save you but YOU. It would be unfair to bring another person into this world when I can’t even take care of myself and besides I would actually have to be in a committed relationship if I am to have a baby and the thought of me in a relationship is hilarious, I am a loser. There are tons of pregnant women out there who are anorexic and/ or bulimic I feel so for the child they are carrying but I do not judge them because I UNDERSTAND. I saw a segment of that topic in a show called supersize vs superskinny and it was a very sad thing to watch.

I have a pepsi light and my favourite club is playing Liverpool FC, for now my mind is going to be occupied by other things that I actually enjoy.

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I’m So Scared

Earlier when I was getting ready to go bed I felt so weak and my the left side of my chest and my arm was so painful I felt like I had reached the end of my road. It was at this moment I realised that I might not make it to my 22nd birthday if I carry on like this. I’ve lost a lot of weight I know that I’m not healthy right now but what I know and feel is different because I feel fat.

I tried to eat a biscuit today with my black coffee but I only managed to eat half and threw the rest out of the window. I did not finish my dinner and my mum’s stares hurt me because why can’t I just eat like a normal person. She talked to me again today about my weight It’s like I lost a lot during the past 2 weeks. I have not eaten anything substantial today so I ended up eating a few pieces of chocolate in bed. I’m listening to music right now and I feel ill even lying down.

Tomorrow I promise I’ll eat breakfast, lunch and supper. I promise. I feel like crying right now really cry but what good will that do. I am so scared right now I do not want to have a heart attack or anything like that.. I do not want to die, I want a shot at life outside of this mental illness mindset…

Life could be amazing.

I’m worried about you

“I’m worried about you” that is what my mum said to me when she saw what my dinner consisted of a boiled carrot, a piece of chicken grilled to death and a tablespoon of beans – Pathetic. She also said that she has been observing me and she reckons I have lost weight and that broke my heart the last thing I want is to worry her she has done enough worrying about me and my EDs to last her a life time. The fact that we went shopping earlier and I almost collapsed so I had to go and sit in the car did not help, she is even more worried.

I had to drink some milk right now because I feel so dizzy and weak I don’t know what is happening to me right now, it’s not anything major but I’m feeling under the weather. I was just calculating my calorie intake and I should not have had the 250ml of milk because it just sent my daily intake to about 354 calories and I was aiming for at least 200 because yesterday I had a mini binge it was not through the roof but just enough to make me want to restrict the next day.

Tomorrow is going to be hard, I’m going to have to make sure mum sees me eating something just so there is peace, my ED always affects our relationship sometimes when she thinks I’m relapsing and I hate that. As I am writing this I feel so light-headed and so sleepy so I’m going to keep this short and sweet.

I get so tired writing about my EDs day in day out because it’s always the same old same old scenario it’s either I’m happy restriction is going great or I’m angry because I binged and I’m feeling fat but I do love how I can just say whatever it is that I am feeling deep in my heart. I appreciate that there is somewhere where I can purge all of my secret ED stories that I’m too scared to utter to anyone in real life.

3 Days… without the demons named binge and purge

Since Sunday I haven’t binged not even a mini binge, I have been restricting severely! Tuesday is almost over and thank god tomorrow I go into day FOUR! This is the longest that I’ve gone without eating myself into oblivion only to cram my fingers down my throat to rid of the guilt and I can’t say I am proud of myself because the reason why the past few days have been good is because I did not have the house to myself and obviously could not engage in bulimic episodes. I guess I should give myself some credit for having some sort of will power because on Monday I went into town if I REALLY wanted to binge I would have bought binge food ate it in my room at midnight when everybody else had gone to sleep then purge it all.. I am not above that.. When it comes to the extents I go to binge and purge I have no limits.

I remember a few years ago we were building a cottage at the back of our house and it was partially finished with the roof still needing to be built, It was on a Sunday and I binged so much like I always mention those days my binges were much more larger than they were I can’t imagine being as full as I would make myself… after I binged I could not throw up without being heard because my dad was in the house and he is one of those people with “sharp ears” he can hear the most silent conversations from 2 rooms away much worse the sound of someone violently puking! I went outside to our partially finished cottage and grabbed a plastic bag and I purged and purged till bile came out then I threw it away in the drain outside the house went back inside like nothing happened.

Those days my stomach actually “agreed” with anything I wanted it to do, throwing up was way easier everything would just come out.. Effortlessly. I was once in recovery for 3 months but after I relapsed purging was never the same again I guess you can say those 3 months of recovery messed up my “purging system” . There were days when all I had to do was kneel on the edge of my bed and bend over facing the floor and the food would just come out.

I just had to take a break from writing this and had my dinner, One boiled carrot chopped and a piece of grilled chicken it was nice.. well the chicken was, now I’m sipping on some juice and mentally preparing myself for tomorrow it’s going to be an early morning. I don’t know what it is about early mornings that make whatever I’m going through ten times worse, it’s cold in the mornings then the actual waking up, bathing while feeling like a hippo and getting dressed! Tomorrow will probably not be as strict as the past 3 days, I might even throw in a glass of milk and probably have a nice dinner.

Purging….. Cathartic

 

The past week has been full of “binging” and trying to starve. I put binging in quotes because if I do the calculations I am actually still in my daily calorie intake requirement or even lower but I can’t help but feel I’ve let things get out of control this week. The suprising thing is that I am not even that angry at myself and that’s strange I usually beat myself up if I don’t stick to my wretched binge- fast- binge- fast regime, I’m just afraid of gaining weight. 

I forgot the number of times that I have purged this week and what’s pathetic I didn’t even purge it all when I did just a little because I’m afraid of rapturing my esophagus after 6 years of bulimia my throat is probably worse for wear and I’m more afraid of my esophagus rapturing than I am of anything. Oh and how my periods are so irregular I’m now a veteran when it comes to this aspect 21, 32, 18, 24 day menstrual cycles it doesn’t even phase me anymore but I live in the constant fear of the threat of not being able to have children one day and that threat is the the main force that drives to want to recovery but as the months pass and I become more and entrenched in these EDs if that’s even possible that threat is losing it’s power. I don’t know what to do.

This past week with all the purging I remembered how it felt, that release, that feeling of emptiness how cathartic it feels, I suppose that rush you get from purging is what drug addicts must feel like after a hit I’m only assuming of course as I am no expert in the area.. Sometimes I need that feeling just so I can carry on with my day, do it then once it’s over I can move on with whatever I was doing. I purged in a woolen hat today while my brother was in the next room sleeping that poor hat it’s now crispy from all the purge because I have not washed it since monday I’ve just been emptying it. I’ve been living in vomit this past week and I’ve grown immune to it’s smell I’m sure my room smells pretty bad but my family do not know that I’m bulimic so I guess they are assuming I have not been showering, I don’t know. 

Anyway I’ve rambled enough tomorrow is Monday new week I could make this huge promise that I will restrict and eat fruit, pepsi light and veggies which is what I want to do but… no promises.