He was looking at me differently tonight. He was staring. He looked so handsome in dark navy blue, he seemed pleased, on cloud 9. He had the face of a man bracing himself to utter something huge. He didn’t, he didn’t need to.
The way he looked at me as I was walking up the stairs after a long and passionate Goodnight kiss, that look, that stare spoke volumes. It wasn’t a look of lust but a look of a man melting at the core.
I think he has falllen for me.
The way he walks with our hands entwined, he gives the impression of a man about to fly. He gave me a gift, a sweet gift. I felt a sense of unease in the fancy restauraunt, he should forgive me for my awkwardness, I am simply not used to men spoiling me like this.
I do not want to seem presumptuous. I don’t want my delusions of grandeur to get in the way of rational thinking.
I can’t stop thinking about him and I don’t wanna get hurt.
The day after tomorrow marks exactly 4 months since I made my big and permanent move to South Korea. I still can’t believe it. Sometimes when my eyes are closed, in bed or when I allow my mind to drift off for a few minutes I forget I am here and I feel as though I am back home for just a nanosecond and then I am reminded.
This new city is overwhelming, the immensity of it. The vibrancy. The isolation. I lived in a small town for 3 months when I first arrived I threw myself into the heart of it all. The belly of the beast. My former roommates made me feel like shit, they told me they were getting a place of their own and that I should think about finding somewhere else, I was left in a state of shock. How could they. I gave them a week’s notice, they treated me as the bad guy. I stuck to my guns and left.
My now boyfriend helped me look for another place to live and then helped me move. We had known each other for only month then. There was just osomething about him from day 1, something about his spirit. On our first date, the most memorable day. He took me to various places, it felt like a dream. He is the old fashioned type, believes in taking a woman out to proper restaurants and he is no stranger to all those romantics gestures that a girl like me could only imagine only happens in those korean dramas. He is gentle in his speech, character and touch. Treats me like a princess and thinks of me in such high regard. He is simply amazing. It makes me cry when I think about just how good he is. We’ve been seeing each other for 2 and a half months. He talks about things in the long-term & that from a man was a foreign thing to me since my dickhead of an ex is the complete opposite.
I am however, still entangled and in embarrassingly and pathetically in love with and addicted to my ex. I recently just cut all contact with him for the umpteenth time. He lied when we were in the process of rekindling things. He was talking to some girl he met online months ago but all the while feeding me lies. I wonder which one of us will crawl back first.
So I’m finally settled in the apartment I share with 2 other girls, they are lovely. A bit on the partying, extroverted side but they are okay. This is my third week here and perhaps it is because of my period that I am feeling this way, maybe it’s the fact that after two weeks the idea of lying idle, enjoying snacks and taking walks isn’t at all that relaxing anymore. Suppose it’s the anxiety surrounding the fact that I will be working soon, paying rent and supporting myself. I have never really worked in the sense of having a full time paying job, just random gigs.
I also miss my family dearly, I miss my bed and my mum’s reassuring talks, my dad’s walk, and my brother and I’s inside jokes. Most of all, I miss that feeling of belonging, to have a right to sit in that chair, a solid right to sit on that lawn because it was my home. I feel like a visitor, an intruder. It’s happening again, I can feel it. The darkening, the panic ridden moments, minutes and days. The terror in the morning, the wanting to crawl outside of the body but can’t. The desperation where I vest all my will to live in him. His attention wavers, I collapse into a heap. There has been no reassurance from him, just fights and I threatened to walk away he said Go. I did and came back. I need him. I need that feeling of not being alone. It’s all a coping mechanism but I need it for as long as I can extract it.
I am so down.
It’s night 3 in this foreign land. Tonight, I don’t feel well. Parts of me still think I am home but when I look outside and walk these pavements and look up at these bright fucking lights, I am reminded that I am so far from home and no matter how homesick I get, I have to toughen up. There is no option.
When I got here, my emotions were still blocked. 3 planes, Culture shock. Nobody could pick me up from the airport and I had to navigate my way at night. When I got here and I was so underwhelmed by what I saw and the place I would be living in. I deflated and felt like I was imposing. I felt this instant regret and I realised the magnitude of the decision I had made. He then called me, my boyfriend or whatever I can call him now, he called and we spoke for almost an hour and that calmed me tremendously. He is the antidote. The next day we skyped constantly and then this morning we spoke for an hour. Today he was busy and could not talk and then we had a fight, I sunk to these depths… Jesus fucking Christmas. Why.
I am in this tiny bedroom, sleeping on a mattress without a base. I have enough money to go on for a while but I need a job soon. The girl I am living with came to grab me so me, her and her former dodgy male boss could take us to dinner. This, I found vaguely weird.
The statement “a new life” used to fill me up with such joy but I find myself dreading it at the same time. How can I start a new life when parts of me are still longing and wishing for things that have long passed and will never be. That boy remained with parts of me that I will never be able to take back. I feel as though something has been drained from my spine when he is absent. Do I move forward with these gaping holes in my being and accept that this is who I am now. Is it okay. Is that how it works.
I have been on zero contact with him for 48 hours. Yesterday felt a little like death, the without is always crippling. I shed some tears for the thing I don’t need but want and can’t have. I am hurting, I think of him every waking moment, my mind always reverts back to him. Getting teary eyed when shopping with my mother, laughing and then remebering him then choking on the lump in my throat.
In the midst of all this I am however at peace, my mind isn’t wondering about were I am currently placed in the map or order of his life. Am I still top order, middle order or low order. I want to let go with grace.
I have always ached for distant places as I have always felt trapped by geography.
It’s the environment I am in, I would say to myself. If I leave I will find it, whatever it is.
He came along and I stopped wanting. I found it possible to find my happiness and home in the confines of this small town. I thought I had made a breakthrough, why go halfway across the world in search of something, in search of inner peace, happiness and completeness if it’s here. I made a home in his eyes and his warm skin, my delusions have no limits. I stopped running away from myself when he was with me. That is why I never left in the beginning. Clinging on to that euphoria in the hope that things would change and bloom more than the current. The flowers never bloomed some more, I wilted and left.
I feel hot and cold at the same time. I am sick to my stomach and dealing with digestive issues caused by anxiety and heartbreak. It’s this nausea inducing strangeness. An ocean between us and I can feel the waters suffusing my lungs. I hate this alienation or threat thereof. So unforgiving, I am trying to move on and I can’t stop looking at his pictures and reading old message threads. I should not be doing this. I know this. I know this. I know this.
He was by no means perfect and we weren’t an obvious match but there was always something about the way he followed my blood around. The most delicate and attentive man I know. He is this kind of human that evokes wonder but in all his glory, he was spineless. Still tethered to his mother’s tits. Noble in thought, weak in action. I pity him sometimes. I love him for all he is and for what he is not but he never dared to fight for us and our relationship which wasn’t “allowed” in his system. Bullshit. He never fought for us because he didn’t want to. I did not fit the criteria. My race was all wrong, this was something I later came to find out. It was never about religion. Of course he vehemently denied this.
He tells me these things, how he wishes more than anything he could be with me forever. How he wants to wake up next to me every morning, have children and how he loves me more than I know. All these declarations, I tuck them inside this heart of mine but does it even matter, he still left. I thought he would come after me when I broke up with him. I gave him an implicit ultimatum- and that is to give me more- I no longer wanted to hide, I wanted to be with him in the eyes of all but he never flinched and I was out the door. He still kept banging down my door, in secret of course. He gives the impression of a man backed into a corner, so he can fulfil his traditional parent’s wishes and marry someone of his own kind. They would disown him he said. What a fable. Spineless.
Today is our anniversary. I was overly emotional at first now just spacey. My stomach is detached from my mouth and appetite. I can eat and enjoy but I feel sick. I used an old lotion I used to apply when we were together and that was how the landslide started this morning. I went back to our Saturday afternoons.
I feel as though I am loosening and falling apart at the edges. I had it. Mid month, I had it. That calmness, that rage and everything inbetween. I could place my emotions and name them. Lately I have been feeling like I threw myself back into the storm and I am losing it. Whatever I had mid month, I lost it. I recognise this feeling, it’s this lost in Siberia, stinging abandonment & helplessness that morphs into bitterness feeling. I recognise this feeling and I know it has no life but I can’t let go.
I am on the verge of great change, something big is happening in a matter of days and now is not the time to feel this way. I need to be in a place where I can celebrate and anticipate my forthcoming breakthrough and be mentally present for my family but I can’t stop fixating on him and what may be going through his mind and if he really has loosened his grip.
He told me about his new job over there and I felt that freezing sensation under my skin again and my hands became Jittery. It’s knowing he is sowing firm roots over there, that is what sends me over the edge. It’s another nail in the he really is gone for good coffin.The sad truth and this is my confession, I would give up all the things coming my way soon if I could get to be with this man and build a home with him.
Still a thousand kilometres apart, I feel like I am losing him again and I am beginning to feel the familiar ache that comes with him and all the motions we go through. I opened a healing wound, opened up my heart and its not like I could not see through the veneer of make belief & the screaming impermanence but at that moment and those days it felt so good. To talk for hours, to share, confess. Even with the distance I sometimes felt him beside me, this other day I felt him breathing beside me but it was all just a dream. This yearning runs deep.
You receive what you return, and I felt that no matter what the circumstances at least the mutual love was there. This singularity. Suppose all of this is rationalisation, easier on the heart, holding on to the idea rather than fully accepting it for what it is. Over.