04:46am

There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I am still awake, taking comfort in food and purging. On autopilot. I feel like an animal. I have this astonishing ability to taint what would have been a good day with my unending misery inducing habits. 

Food haunts me. I can’t stop. 

Heavy

I can feel it today sitting heavily on my chest, the despondency. I didn’t have the distraction of work, the commuting to and fro. It was just me, dwelling on my insignificance and oh the bingeing and purging. I do self destruction well, like an innate skill of some sort. The sound of my voice is making my irritation is apparent but I feel so small, some dulled voice whispering in the distance. I could burst into tears at any moment but I would have an audience, I don’t like to be vulnerable.

Work is stressful, the salary is peanuts, if I subtract bus fare and all I’m basically running a deficit and my boss LOVES me but I want to quit because I feel like a cog in a machine, a means to her ends and the lot of them… Whoever they are. $20 a week? I know this job is not in the field of what I studied at university its a modelling promo thing but I can’t help but feel I deserve more and I do. There is starting somewhere, humble beginnings and all then there’s scraping the bottom of the barrel and robbing myself of a chance at getting a better job that could help me rise out of my circumstances but what if this job is a stepping stone. I’m confused. I’ll wait for it to pass/change but in this moment disappearing without a trace would be splendid.

New terrifying skies

The past few weeks have been busy, stressful, emotional, wholesome, life altering. I have gone through so many emotions and experiences all in a space of 3 weeks and I can safely say I have no regrets, I want to relive some nights even the ones I thought were horrible and I could not wait to go home.

I have for the most part been trying to unravel the patterns of my nature, I fight to reach the surface and then when my head is almost above the water, I get frustrated, impatient and I let go and let the undertow carry me away back to some underwater dark cave where the only sound is the sound of fear and I feel worthless, hopeless, suicidal. No more, time lacks patience and I have to seek what I truly desire and that which I have always lacked courage to seek. It sounds easy typing this but I am frozen and yet there seems to be some invincible force pushing me to carry on.
I participated in another pageant! Modelling has always been something that fascinated me but my eating disorder and body image issues were always those voices that whispered words of discouragement in my ear. This year, two weeks ago at the ripe old age of 23 I walked on a ramp. I did not win, the show was disorganised, it was a low budget pageant but it was an experience that I will carry with me forever for all the good reasons.

I have made friends, I’m networking and I am doing promotional modelling as a part time gig, it’s stressful, sometimes I feel like giving up because I have to stand for hours when I feel lethargic. I can’t keep up sometimes because I can’t shop around all day with my new found friends because bulimia drowsiness takes it’s toll on me, it makes me angry and sad but I cannot stop. Throughout all of this change and this new lifestyle, bulimia is remaining a constant and i don’t know how to shake it off because it is a coping mechanism. Today for instance I opted to stay at home bingeing all day instead of going to a casting, I am a sad sad sad person.

I thank god for all the beautiful people that have waltzed into my life and the footprints they have left, sometimes it gets too much though, the communicating, the meeting up for coffee. I tend to zone out when people are talking and the facade of cheerfulness I wear in public is more fixed than it ever was to the point where I think I have actually convinced myself that I am happy or content, I do have moments of joy but happiness? That’s a big word for the positive emotion that I sometimes feel.
I have always been a loner because I enjoy my own company in a narcissistic type of way I suppose, but I am a good person. Sometimes I just need a day to myself, away from the texts, the group selfies and the planning… I just need that alone time so I can go back to my former self for only a day so I can breath and then thrust myself back again into the wilderness of socialising.

I have work tomorrow and my head is spinning from purging, I am a mess but I will drink my fluids and hydrate, tomorrow I will wear makeup, look pretty, smile and I will cross my fingers and pray not to pass out. I look the part they are all convinced, now I just have to act the part. Inside the fragments that make me who I am are falling into pieces… shattering ever so loudly but on the outside I’m doing great. Someone I met while working had the audacity to say I was going places and that I had what it takes to succeed, wow such scandalous accusations.

Over the hill

The year 2014 was challenging academically and otherwise, trying to contain a tsunami in a tea cup. I gave it my all but I know that I could have given a little more either way, I’m happy a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders… I passed and have successfully completed my grad programme and it feels amazing. There are no words to describe just how thrilled I am. My anxiety and worries seem so silly and irrational now, got a grin on my face and a spring in my step.

All the words of encouragement that everyone told me are reverberating in my head. I have noticed that I can actually listen and absorb positive words of encouragement now, before it would go in one ear and go out the other ear. I now tend to seek solace in the words that are along the lines of “you’re going to be okay” because I choose to believe what they believe to be true but I don’t believe IT well, not completely. I have a long way to go before I can rid of the toxic waste on my lungs, the tendency to see the glass as not just half empty but broken as well and the way I tend to see only doom and gloom ahead, I want to smell the flowers and feel the sun and not just burn. I feel oppressed by my worldview.

Tonight has been a good night and I thank God for this bridge that I have just crossed, I feel calmer now and convinced that I am capable.

Crunch Time

I don’t know why I’m carrying on this destructive path, I feel out of touch with my everyday emotions it’s as though I’m in this zone where it’s only just me and it’s quiet but also dangerous.

Only 2 days until exams start, I can’t stop bingeing and purging, my hands need something to do, I need release so I eat anything not nailed down then purge and repeat. It’s my way of coping with the stress but funny enough it does the opposite as it’s a time waster and exacerbates the stress and anxiety. In my heart I know I’ve read and know 90% of the theory, I’ve revised but I feel like I don’t know anything like I haven’t grasped any of the concepts and I fear failing so much because I don’t want to fail and waste money and time not to mention the humiliation.

Trying to take bite fulls of what I can actually chew but the perfectionist in me says it cannot be done. The clock is ticking (God it’s so loud) and I need to get a grip.

1:22am thoughts

On the very first day of the year, I purged. I didn’t even binge, I just wanted it out. It’s funny how things never change but this is all on me. My knees are weak from purging but I will carry on, the purging has got to stop especially now. I can’t afford to be too run down to study, something has to give.

The festive season makes one lose track of the days of the week, well to be accurate the festive season is over and it’s back to normal. Exams end of the month and I am ricocheting between a state of readiness and absolute crippling terror. I have decided that it’s okay for me to be selfish this month, if I come across as distant and uninterested then too bad but I can’t let myself be distracted just because I want to hold on to someone and I don’t want them to lose interest in me. I can’t always be available.

1:22am, I swear there needs to be more hours in the day.

I made it.

First of praise the lord.

I have been a wreck in the week leading up to the release of results of my research proposal, to add to my frustration and anxiousness the results were released in bits and pieces so other students received their results on Monday and up until this Friday afternoon I was in the dark on how I had done. I got a 63%, it’s not a huge mark but I am so relieved. Even though I still have quite a long way to go at least I have crossed this hurdle.

The thing is I registered for another subject that follows from the research proposal even though my academic advisors “strongly advised” me not to do it, according to the curriculum I was supposed to register for it in 2015 but I wasn’t having that. Time was running out and I needed the result so I could proceed with the other subject and submit a compulsory essay due on Monday otherwise I would be de-registered.

I decided sometime during last weekend that I had to have faith, I prayed to God to give me a fraction of my mum’s faith but things spiralled out of control and I found myself bingeing and purging in order to deal with my emotions and fears. I have purged 14 times this week (between Sunday and Thursday), haven’t done that in a long time but I didn’t know what to do so I ended up cramming food down my mouth even the week before was hectic, the bingeing was uncontrolled and it felt like everything was falling apart… I just wanted the results so I could be put out of my misery.

It’s becoming a pattern when my mind is troubled the first thing I reach for is a packet of biscuits, food is so comforting but once I am done eating and I can feel it sitting in my stomach I immediately loathe it. On a normal day the thought of purging terrifies me but on bad days (which are most days) I become so fearless in a destructive fashion.

Yesterday afternoon I cried for an hour straight, I had no appetite all of a sudden and I started having stomach cramps caused by stress. I could not tell anyone what I was going through. It makes me worry though, if I were to be presented with a “real problem” would I be able to even cope or it would drive me over the edge and lead me to something better left unknown.

Tonight I will sleep just fine, it’s going to be a long weekend full of essay writing but at least I won’t be carrying this week’s worries and doubts into tomorrow. Tomorrow has it’s own problems, ones created in my head or real problems either way at least this nightmare is over.