The year 2014 was challenging academically and otherwise, trying to contain a tsunami in a tea cup. I gave it my all but I know that I could have given a little more either way, I’m happy a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders… I passed and have successfully completed my grad programme and it feels amazing. There are no words to describe just how thrilled I am. My anxiety and worries seem so silly and irrational now, got a grin on my face and a spring in my step.
All the words of encouragement that everyone told me are reverberating in my head. I have noticed that I can actually listen and absorb positive words of encouragement now, before it would go in one ear and go out the other ear. I now tend to seek solace in the words that are along the lines of “you’re going to be okay” because I choose to believe what they believe to be true but I don’t believe IT well, not completely. I have a long way to go before I can rid of the toxic waste on my lungs, the tendency to see the glass as not just half empty but broken as well and the way I tend to see only doom and gloom ahead, I want to smell the flowers and feel the sun and not just burn. I feel oppressed by my worldview.
Tonight has been a good night and I thank God for this bridge that I have just crossed, I feel calmer now and convinced that I am capable.
I don’t know why I’m carrying on this destructive path, I feel out of touch with my everyday emotions it’s as though I’m in this zone where it’s only just me and it’s quiet but also dangerous.
Only 2 days until exams start, I can’t stop bingeing and purging, my hands need something to do, I need release so I eat anything not nailed down then purge and repeat. It’s my way of coping with the stress but funny enough it does the opposite as it’s a time waster and exacerbates the stress and anxiety. In my heart I know I’ve read and know 90% of the theory, I’ve revised but I feel like I don’t know anything like I haven’t grasped any of the concepts and I fear failing so much because I don’t want to fail and waste money and time not to mention the humiliation.
Trying to take bite fulls of what I can actually chew but the perfectionist in me says it cannot be done. The clock is ticking (God it’s so loud) and I need to get a grip.
Struggling to get out of bed, granted it’s only 7:30am but my bones are so weak. Christmas is almost here and I am so behind with my studies I can feel the anxiety taking over like I will spontaneously combust at any moment.
My family including my aunts and cousins are planning to go away for a road trip for Christmas not anything major just somewhere fun and inexpensive. I am looking forward to it but there’s always that bit of anxiety and that panic over what I’ll wear to hide my body and what food I’ll have to eat. I’m not completely a helpless baby anymore when it comes to my ED, whenever I go somewhere if there aren’t any safe foods for me I suck it up, by either eating a quarter of the food or turning my nose up at everything. I don’t whine about it to whoever is with me or cry about it. I quietly deal with it, I am gifted at carefully managing my pain/worry in front of the masses. I wear a good mask that fits firmly. I have been disordered for 10+ years I get that some people may be “over” my eating disorder, I gather it’s just a matter of “well at least she’s still alive” to them. Sometimes when I am with my mum she sees I’m uncomfortable and she simply pushes the plate and away from me in a way you can say she’s “enabling me” but it’s just that SHE KNOWS.
I hope our trip will be successful and this Christmas will be different.
The thing with broken dreams is that it hurts a little less each day but there are always those moments when you feel it all at once and your chest gets heavy and you feel like something is sitting on top of your lungs… you cry or don’t cry but the feeling is there, it’s there and it feels as though it will always remain with you.
A friend asked me today if I still was going ahead with my plans to study abroad and I just found myself aching over what never was. Last year I applied to study farther, I was supposed to study an MSc in business administration abroad, I got in and I found myself picturing this future that I thought would soon be mine but I was wrong. I thought I had found my “in” the doors had opened and I was leaving this god forsaken place but fate had other plans. The costs accumulated, tuition as an international student, accommodation, visa and a host of other items to the point that we couldn’t afford it… I refused to be selfish and put my mum through the stress of paying for more tuition when she had slaved to put me through undergrad, I myself have no money and no job and so just like that my dreams flew away.
I ended up enrolling for the programme that I am doing now which is a grad program but it isn’t an MSc but more like a gateway to an MSc this would have been avoided if I could afford the places I got into to which is why I am can’t focus fully on my studies- I was never supposed to navigate this particular curve I guess I should at least be thankful but that one ticket out of here I had gotten is gone now. It’s not too late, I could work and save up but I am so demotivated. Now is not the time to give up, what I decide right now will shape my future and whether my dreams will come true or not.. of that I’m sure. I have to find that determination buried somewhere within me.
Tonight I am not sad not happy either, just wandering around the house like a ghost. I woke up with no purpose and so my day has been without purpose as well. Unlike the past few months,this time I am trying, truly.
I am laying in my bed right now alternating between crying and raging, I am so upset because of everything that has gone down today, my new professor that I was recently assigned to (despite being happy with my previous one) is supposed to be giving me pointers on my research project but she is basically ignoring me and all the other students seem to be on the right track and are way ahead of me because their professors actually help them, I can feel this lump in my throat and it won’t go away and to top that off something is wrong with the power lines and we have had no electricity since 5am, the fridges are leaking & it’s a huge mess. I feel consumed by today, consumed then spat out.
It was all going well, I was drinking my black coffee and eating my fruit then BAM! at 3pm I started bingeing on cereal, being bored was part of the reason I binged and another reason was that I wanted something to eat but it was the classic all or nothing. I purged and and now I feel nauseaous but that was hours ago I must eat something.
My mum is calling me saying something about why I’m sitting in here when everyone (meaning her) is in the living room, I snapped at her and right afterwards I felt guilty, it’s so easy taking your frustrations out on the first person who talks to you when you’ve spent the day alone and angry.
Don’t have much to say, been one of those weekends where routine bites hard. Winter is officially over its sunny out but here I am freezing and procrastinating.
I should get some work done but I want to sit here and eat everything (while magically losing weight). ED wise I’m rotating in the same cycle which sucks but I am used to the cycle sometimes I’m convinced it’s what keeps me sane, going outside of the confines of that binge-purge-restrict cycle always results in calamity. I’m sticking to what I know, no wonder I haven’t recovered, I will not let go of the reigns… pure refusal.. Silly girl.
School work hasn’t exactly been going well, I hate my fellow classmates in the way they are so enthusiastic about assignments and how keen they for everything academic… research tasks, discussion classes and winter school. Good grief! It’s funny because in undergrad I was that type of person… obsessive and always 4 chapters ahead of everyon, now I can’t be bothered, it’s a mixture of I have already proven myself academic wise and what’s the point also fear. I have years to go before I get to where I want to be in terms of education and if I am floundering now then maybe I’m not cut out for any of it and I should have stopped when I was still ahead.
I can’t back out because I want this so bad and leaving things undone is not in my nature, it’s such a wonderful thing when it’s all done though and you’re looking at your academic record and to be honest that’s where I I find my self worth as sad as that sounds. I have faith I will get out of this funk and find the motivation I need. The others are on week 18 of our course work and I am on week 4, seriously I can’t understand how much I have managed to slack off 14 weeks behind… who does that?!?!?!! What have I been doing? nothing, the last few months are all a blur it’s like it was day 1 of course work just yesterday then I blinked and woke up today months later. CLEARLY I have much to do and the clock is ticking louder than ever before… it’s deafening.
http://www.mirror-mirror.org/set.htm The article above reminded me of a post of mine Fighting my biology The set point theory makes sense, your body is genetically meant to stay within a certain range. Nowadays when my weight fluctuates (as it always has) if my weight goes below a certain number my body starts to shut down before I used to be able to cope I’d feel horrible but I’d still be active and hell l bent on losing more… doing hundreds of situps etc whereas now if my weight is low I find myself not able to get out of bed because of sheer exhaustion even after sleeping for 12 hours, can hear my heart beating really fast & always on the verge of blacking out.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels but when skinny comes with heart palpitations, absent periods, extreme dizziness and moods from hell then skinny doesn’t taste so good. I am not underweight now and I’m fine with it to an extent, in a way I feel like I’ve lost discipline which pains me because I’ve always been good at that. This lack of discipline has also been reigning terror over my studies, I am not studying for hours and hours and no longer near as perfectionistic as I was a year ago. I’ve slipped into a state and I can’t be bothered to snap out of it because what’s the point.
Reality’s fist punched me in the face, life after graduation doesn’t magically change and everything won’t fall into place despite all your hoping, praying and efforts because the sad truth is where there is will there isn’t always a way. I know I’ll go back to my former rigid (and productive) self I just haven’t found the right motivation.
My body is demanding nourishment, I stay up late studying and I cannot concentrate because of my hunger gnawing away at my insides…. I never give in there and then so I just go to bed without studying (problem; studies being affected). It’s always the following day when I find myself clearing up bowls of cereal because of hunger, surely I could have just eaten a normal portion the night before and avoided all that but this is the disorder… This is bulimia and this is a fight.