It came and went

Christmas came and went and for the first time in years I was emotionally present, when I said merry Christmas I meant it and felt it unlike the previous years when it was something that just spilled out of my mouth without any sincerity attached to it.

Old habits die hard, my attempts to eat a plate of food in front of family was nothing short of pathetic but that’s alright. I of course binged and purged in private and binged some more on ice cream and pies, like I said old habits die hard. Despite of all that it has been a great couple of days, my heart was filled with warmth and that spirit of giving. I laughed, conversed and got out of the house, like some type of real person.

Tomorrow the studying resumes and I pray to God my knees won’t get weak and fail me when I am so close to the finish line. I have always been a slave to the finish line.

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The sky won’t break

Today was spent baking treats it’s like something possessed me because I ended up baking for close to 6 hours but it was all worth it because it kept me occupied and gave me a much needed break from my studying. It’s grim isn’t it… studying away during this festive season but it’s not so bad just need to manage my time very carefully since we’re going to be visiting a lot of family and people are probably going to be visiting.

I promised myself that this year I will eat food at my gran’s, I don’t care if it’ll be drenched in oil I will eat my way around it and soldier through. I don’t think I can bear the hurt look on her face this year, I won’t die from eating a Christmas lunch and retaining it. It’s okay. The sky won’t break- that’s my motto these days, to me it means there won’t be major repercussions from taking a course of action that I am afraid of taking because of my refusal to step outside of my comfort/safe zone.

I had a major anxiety attack in my bed last, I can’t say anything in particular brought it on but I just started crying and I couldn’t breathe so I had to breathe through my mouth and basically calm myself down, I felt this need to get up and do something violent or maybe get up and run all I know is I just wanted to do something to take the edge off. When I woke up this morning I was fine and I am still fine.

It’s almost an hour until Christmas here and I am about to crack open my textbook and do a bit of studying, no excuses… I have to keep up the momentum.

Merry Christmas to you all, I hope it will be filled with laughter that which we all seek, may you be surrounded by loved ones who make your heart warm.

Frozen

Winter is definitely almost ending but before it does end it’s leaving us something to remember it by. It’s about 6°c degrees it’s almost 10am, 2 hours ago mum dropped me off at the library since it’s near her work. I had plans to study all day in there but I had to cancel those plans when 10 minutes after I got out of the car I realised I was too freezing to even walk properly, I was so stiff it felt like my bones were frozen, I couldn’t go into the library for warmth because that place is a cold room so I instead sat in the windy sun for for an hour wishing I had a car so I could just jump in and go home or at least someone to call so they could just take me away. To top that off my runners itched kicked in- what an awful start to a new month.

I am now sitting in the saloon typing this on my phone waiting for my hairdresser, it’s warm in here & I am dreading going back out there when I have to walk across the city centre so I can get a bus and finally go home.

Numb but not quite

7:57am

Thursday morning, I haven’t seen 6:30am in a long time. I have stopped crying but my head is pounding. I feel calmer but that sort of calmness that can be deadly but I am unbothered, sort of numb but not quite.

I hesitantly wear my dark blackish-grey jeans I haven’t worn in months, I am terrified of jeans. I button them up they feel bigger, they are drooping and I refuse to wear to wear a belt I want to SEE the creases were my flesh once occupied but no longer there. The serial weight fluctuator that I am wants to feel it for it will not last long.

I grab my textbooks… I refuse to go digital, books should be  tangible and felt not stored in some device. My bag is heavy and I know my shoulders will pay for this later. Food doesn’t interest me… not on this particular morning at least. On an empty stomach feeling so glorious and empty I head out the door and it feels like am been set free (well only momentarily) from this house of horrors, when the day ends I will be back here again to the unforgiving tedium. The rage. The hurt and and and.

23:22

No crying tonight lest my head explodes, no sad songs or tears on my pillow. The lorazepam is still unopened, it makes it worse like the downward spiral is drawn-out and much more profound, the drowsiness, forgetfulness leave much to be desired. In a sort of masochist kind of way I’d rather remain present while I go through the motions of depression/anxiety.

My body is spent from all the walking while I was on a birthday present hunt, I almost fainted before jumping into the bus- so classy. My shoulders ache from slouching on a desk studying for hours. Tonight I’ll sleep soundly, that I know for sure. It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay.

Unwell

Haven’t been feeling well since yesterday, I started feeling nauseous around noon yesterday and it keeps getting worse. It’s that kind of nausea that makes you irritable and basically gets in the way of doing things, It’s constant and not like coming in waves. I can’t even look at food but I am feeling hungry and extremely lethargic but I can’t bring myself to eat since morning I have eaten only fruits and some chicken yesterday was the same as well. I drank some home remedies and hopefully tomorrow I’ll be right as rain. I am also feeling extremely cold so maybe it’s a bug.

It feels weird to be in bed at this time on a Saturday night and ready to sleep usually I’m on my desk studying away and obsessing, tonight I have no energy for all that. I tend to force myself to just power through it but tonight I’m listening to my body.

I haven’t binged in two days… actually being in this state the thought of bingeing is enough to make me gag but I am feeling the urge to purge because maybe if I force myself to throw up and get it out there it’ll make the nausea go away because I feel like there’s something on my throat and if it just comes out then I’ll be okay. I just hope tomorrow it’ll be over

I’ll do my worst

I went out for a walk this morning, I am a fast walker even if I am not in a hurry when I’m walking… I WALK REALLY FAST, anyway a few minutes later the runners itch (unbearable itchy sensation on legs when running/walking) started happening and I was in agony, I could not wait to go back home. When I got home I immediately took off my tracksuit and I told myself that I wasn’t going to scratch because that would only aggravate the situation but I scratched a little and after that all bets were off and I scratched and scratched, unsatisfied I then went into the bathroom and scratched using a scrubbing stone for a good 15 minutes, it took everything in me to stop scratching it felt like I was possessed or something (maybe exaggerating a bit lol) but after that I looked at myself in the mirror and I had red streaks all over my legs.. definitely went too far but I felt sooooo relieved.

My friend then told me that I should try walking in shorts because he heard somewhere that it works- yeah right! He’s one of those friends who always have the wrong information, always wayyyy off the mark but it’s very funny and it’s part of his character which I appreciate.

Procrastinating really badly now, I have two huge portfolios which are due soon, there are no exams for those two, I would gladly sit for an exam than having to do these portfolios because they are so involving and I can easily mess up and if I do I can end up getting de-registered on some other subjects because these portfolios I have to finish this semester are prerequisites for other subjects and you can only register for the subjects I am doing in January, so if I mess up (God forbid) I would have to wait for 2015!

Thinking about all the things that could go wrong is actually making me ill. I’m going to do my “worst” I always say I’ll do my worst and to me I’ll do my worst translates to I’ll do my best, it sounds silly I know but it gets me in the zone.

Just go with it

Today was super productive I finally managed to gather the confidence to ask my supervisor the questions I needed to ask, I was so in the dark with my research proposal to the point where I didn’t even know where to ask asking for help so during the weekend I did some serious studying and figured out the general direction I ought to take. He was super helpful I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I then went to the library at 9am then left at 2:30pm, I was a machine today and I felt my old self re-surface and it felt good. I spent the past two weeks feeling discouraged and I was thinking of just giving up because I couldn’t take it anymore, it felt like my head was caving in then the thought of wasting my mum’s money made me sick. When someone does something for me I feel like I owe them and I will always owe them for all eternity or unless I return the favour. If someone does something for me the first thing that goes through my mind is “great now I feel bad” and that’s not to say I am unappreciative I am…very.

Anyway it’s almost 11 and I’m gonna go to bed, waking up bright and early tomorrow to head to the library… don’t know how long this motivation will but I’m just gonna go with it. I love how fast today wentt for me, I hate it when days seem longer because I can feel it and that depresses me.